Primarily Garbage

Well, today's the day, Shakers. Today is the day I stop writing about Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich, because fail. Mitt Romney is still not officially the Republican nominee, but he's literally close enough for government work—or would be, if he weren't going to lose and remain "unemployed," lulz—but when the best news story I could dig up for Gingrich is his announcement he wouldn't serve in a President Romney's theoretical cabinet (Mitt Romney is devastated, I'm sure), and when I'm not even 100% certain that Ron Paul is alive anymore, it's time to say adios to the Three Amigos.

image of Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, and Ron Paul as the Three Amigos; their guns have been replaced with a Tiffany's box, a bottle of champagne, and a bag of gold, respectively
For Jessica, by request.

So! Here's all the Mitt Romney news!

Los Angeles TimesMitt Romney Has Girl Trouble: "You'd think a handsome guy like Mitt Romney would not have a problem with the ladies, but his poll numbers show something different. In the 12 swing states that will determine whether he goes to the White House as president or back to one of his many houses as a private citizen, Romney trails President Obama among female voters by a margin of 54% to 36%." Ha ha I JUST LOVE IT when male politicians' unpopularity with female voters because of their rank hostility toward reproductive rights and thus female agency is framed as dating problems! HOW CUTE!

{Please pass me all the barf bags. All of them.}

Meanwhile, Bill O'Reilly wants to know if Mitt Romney is "man enough" to beat President Obama. Of course he does. Because he can't be racist ALL the time! Sometimes he needs to break it up with a little gender essentialist codswallop.

Washington PostCan Mitt Romney Win Over Gun-Owning Skeptics at NRA Speech? Gee, I hope so! And hopefully he will be aided by the utterly absurd and deeply paranoid narratives that President Obama wants to take ALL YOUR GUNS AWAY and give them to Arabs! Or feminists!

NPR—Romney Scores Key Endorsements From Anti-Abortion Groups: "A decade ago, while running for Massachusetts governor, Mitt Romney vowed to 'preserve and protect a woman's right to choose' abortion. On Thursday, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee won the endorsement of both the oldest and largest anti-abortion group in the nation—the National Right to Life Committee—and one of the newer groups with a large wad of cash ready to spend on his behalf—the Susan B. Anthony List." Oh good for him. Well done on being the bestest opportunistic shit-head in all the land, Mitt Romney!

Yeesh. It is gonna be a loooooooooong election.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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