Film Corner!

Behold, the theatrical trailer for the upcoming film Looper, for which there have been fully one million teaser trailers for the trailer (yes, the trailer—"Everyone get so excited for our trailer!") this week alone:

Video Description: A ticking vintage pocketwatch. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who shall hereafter be known as Looperman, says in voiceover: "Time travel." He then says some other expository stuff that sets up the plot of the movie, which I will get to in a moment, but I just want to pause here, two words in, and note that this trailer begins with the words "time travel" over the image of a ticking pocketwatch, which means that two words in I already don't want to see this movie, because if trite, hackneyed, uninspired imagery was what I was looking for, I'd go back and read my middle-school poetry journals!

(Full Disclosure: I do not actually have middle-school poetry journals, because I was too busy writing a series of epic novels about a magical dolphin named Lyn. But if I DID have middle-school poetry journals, they would have been filled with trite, hackneyed, uninspired imagery FOR SURE.)

Anyway! It turns out that time travel hasn't been invented yet (Is time travel something that gets invented? I think it's something that gets discovered, but what do I know the other magical dolphin in my handwritten novels that this girl named Renee soooooo wanted to read and then never gave back to me fuck was named Ric), but "thirty years from now, it will have been." Invented. Not discovered.

Looperman stands on the edge of a cornfield—why are cornfields always used to symbolize the present day and/or simpler times? Are there no cornfields in the future? Even with all the corn subsidies? Come on. In thirty years high-fructose corn syrup will be ruling the world and Indiana will be Mecca—and points his shotgun at an empty blanket where suddenly a dude with a pillowcase on his head appears. Looperman shoots him. Damn, Looperman, that is COLD.

More exposition over images of Looperman being Mr. Cool Assassin. He is one of a bunch of "specialized assassins" called loopers who murder troublesome people for crime syndicates in the future. "So when criminal organizations in the future need someone gone, they zap 'em back to me, and I eliminate the target from the future." There seems to be a butterfly's fluttering wings causing a tsunami problem here, but suspension of disbelief blah blah.

Plus: This is a movie whose trailer thinks saying "time travel" over the image of a gold gentleman's pocketwatch in the year of our lord Jesus Jones two thousand and twelve is still a good idea, so it's probably too much to ask of it to not be totally fucking stupid.

(Please Note: A movie being totally fucking stupid does not mean I won't see it.)

Loopers make a lot of money. They live the good life. Cars, ladies, and other fine possessions. "The only rule is: Never let your target escape." Looperman is back at the death mat near the cornfield. Uh-oh. The target's got green eyes! Looperman's got green eyes! GREEN EYES GREEN EYES GREEN EYES! WHAT COULD IT MEAN?! "Even if the target…is you." Bazinga! HOLY SHIT!!! I NEVER SAW IT COMING!!!

(I saw it coming.)

Bruce Willis is Old Looperman. He's got some gold bars blocking the shot! DAYUM! Now's the REAL ACTION, Looperheads! Blasts! Screaming! Young Looperman's in trouble now! Running! Shooting! Crashing out a window! Techno music! Montagery! A lady!

Cut to a close-up of Jeff Daniels with a large beard looking stoned and saying, for realz, "This time travel crap just fries your brain like an egg." HA HA YUP! "This is time travel. This is your brain on time travel. Any questions?" YES I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS LIKE WHO WROTE THIS MOVIE—1987?!

Text Onscreen, with appropriate character-montagery: BRUCE WILLIS. JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT. EMILY BLUNT. Oh, hi, Emily Blunt! I definitely want to see your movie!

LOOPER. Coming to a theater near you soon.

screen cap of pocketwatch from trailer

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