Primarily Terrible

image of Mitt Romney composed of an Etch A Sketch, Magic 8 Ball, and a pair of flip-flops

GOOD MORNING! Now that an advisor has helpfully confirmed what we've suspected all along—that Mitt Romney is really an Etch-A-Sketch atop a Magic 8 Ball atop a pair of flip-flops—it's time for DAMAGE CONTROL! I mean, ha ha obviously Mitt Romney is definitely a candidate without a shred of integrity or a modicum of principle, but he doesn't want it getting DISCUSSED ALL OUT IN THE OPEN LIKE THAT! Geez! He just wants to be a cynical, unscrupulous, craven, opportunistic, fair-weather jack-of-all-policies who caters his positions to whatever voting bloc he's trying to condescendingly pander at any given moment! GIVE THE GUY A BREAK!

So, in his very, very awkward way, Romney mendaciously asserted his totes unwavering consistency as a conservative Republican:

image of Mitt Romney in front of American flag with Etch A Sketch head, saying 'I'm running as a conservative Republican. I was a conservative Republican governor. I'll be running as a conservative Republican nominee.'
Yes, that's an actual quote.

GOOD ONE, MITT ROMNEY! When you say it plainly like that, over and over, I definitely believe you! I didn't believe before that you are a CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN, but now that you have told me in THREE DIFFERENT WAYS that you are a CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN, I am for sure on board with how much of a CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN you are! Good job!

In other things that will absolutely make me more inclined to vote for Mitt Romney, he will be yukking it up with one of my least favorite people on the planet next week: Jay Leno. I hope Mitt Romney drives there in an old car and wears a suit made fully of denim! Because Jay Leno loves denim and old cars! TRUE FACT!

Ron Paul was on the Jay Leno show the other night. I know this because some ballsport broadcast must have pushed back Leno into our recording of the Jimmy Fallon show, so when Iain and I went to watch Jimmy the next day, we got a FACE FULL OF RON PAUL AND JAY LENO. I screamed and deleted it.

The preceding paragraph is, by the way, the best campaign coverage Ron Paul has had in two months.

In other news, Rick Santorum, Professor Emeritus of Smartology at Genius University, says that Rommey's so indistinguishable from President Barack Obama that voters might as well vote to reelect Obama. Nice one, Santorum. Please continue to urge President Obama to abandon his garbage centrism and get more progressive! What? You were actually suggesting that voters should vote for you because you're wildly different by virtue of being a rightwing extremist Christian Supremacist Dominionist?! OH NEVER MIND THEN!

Hmm, what else? Well, Newt Gingrich is still hanging in there, I guess. I'm sure you can read all about his excellent candidacy and fine policy positions in today's edition of the Who Cares News.

Speaking of Who Cares, Arlen Specter, still making a desperate bid for relevance, says he MIGHT vote for Mitt Rommey. Ha ha. That's cool. Hey, Arlen: Joe Lieberman called. He wants his shtick back.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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