It's SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPER TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And you know what that means! Lots and lots and lots of primaries, most of which will be won by the least barfiest of the candidates, so CONGRATULATIONS IN ADVANCE, Mitt Romney!
The FUNNEST THING about Super Tuesday is the concession speeches! WHO WILL CONCESS TONITE?! THAT IS THE QUESTION!!! Will Rick Santorum lose enough that he throws in the vestment?! Will Newt Gingrich win Georgia and keep spending all of Sheldon Adelson's money?! Will Ron Paul find a jacket that fits?! THE MYSTERIES OF SUPER TUESDAY WILL ALL BE ANSWERED TONIGHT!
There isn't any BIG NEWS today, and, let's face it, even if there were, who cares. By this point, we know everything there is to know about this collection of gross nincompoops, and reading about Mitt Romney's plan to starve poor children even harder to teach them about bootstraps or exploring Ron Paul's theories on how social justice is a totes bonerkiller isn't going to do anything but convince all of us even more, if that even remains a practical possibility, that none of these epic dipfucks should be elected to the student council at the Ayn Rand Vocational School for Libertarian Metallurgists, no less to the presidency of a global superpower.
So, instead, here is my Handy Voter Guide that synthesizes all the important need-to-know information about each candidate as tens of dozens of primary voters all across the nation head to the polls today:
Mitt Romney: Unprincipled baby.
Rick Santorum: Vile bigot.
Newt Gingrich: Bloviating demon.
Ron Paul: Gold-plated jerk.
I hope you have been duly edified by my well-researched and very factual voter guide for SUPER TUESDAY!!!
Nate Silver has your Guide to Super Tuesday Possibilities here.
And Richard Adams' live coverage, which, of course, is always a thing of beauty, is here.
I know some of you are VERY CONCERNED that Super Tuesday might effectively bring to an end this primary contest (ha ha it has been fun pretending someone other than Mitt Romney might win, HASN'T IT?!), which will mean the end of these definitely very brilliant daily collations of electoral news (boooooooooo!), but FEAR NOT, intrepid newshounds! These works of blogging art will continue right through to the general election (yayyyyyyyy!), unless I cut my own head off with a Hillary 2008 campaign button first!
Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.