The Four Horsemen of the Crapocalypse continued their horrible, heinous, horseshit-reeking ride to the 2012 Republican Convention, at which one of them, in a secret ritual only known to the Devil and Orrin Hatch, will be anointed The One Who Will Lose to Obama. Or as it's known by its common name: McCain II.
WHO WILL IT BE?! (Spoiler Alert: It will be Romney.) Well, I don't fucking know. (Full Disclosure: Yes I do.) THE MYSTERY is what makes this endless primary so goddamn exciting! (True Fact: This primary is not exciting.)
The big headline from the WHO CARES NEWS this weekend is that allllllllll of the horsemen weighed in on the RUSH LIMBAUGH CONTROVERSY, by which I mean the latest bit of evidence that Rush Limbaugh is a nonstop, full-tilt, Grade A, world-class garbage monster of diarrheic misogyny.
Mitt Romney said: "I'll just say this which is it's not the language I would have used. I'm focusing on the issues I think are significant in the country today and that's why I'm here talking about jobs and Ohio." WOWEE WOW! Just when you think Mitt Romney couldn't possibly be an EVEN BIGGER CRAVEN SHIT-SACK, he goes and proves ya wrong! So, basically, he definitely agrees with the sentiment behind demeaning as a slut a woman who wants control over her reproduction; it's just that he would have finessed the delivery. OKAY THEN! Also: He doesn't believe vicious misogyny is a "significant issue." NOTED!
Rick Santorum said: "He's being absurd, but that's you know, an entertainer can be absurd. He's in a very different business than I am." Ha ha well I think that statement was pretty fucking ABSURD, Santorum! Don't sell yourself short! You're a TOTAL BOZO. And your willingness to condone and apologize for the public slut-shaming of feminist women has also been NOTED!
Newt Gingrich said: "I think he was right to apologize," before immediately launching into a complaint about the media focusing on this "unimportant issue," then lobbing an attack at President Obama for apologizing for the burning of Qu'rans at Bagram air base in Afghanistan. So, put Gingrich down for "No Big Whoop" on the issue of using misogynistic slurs in public discourse.
Ron Paul said: "I don't think he's very apologetic. He's doing it because some people were taking their advertisements off his program. It was his bottom line that he was concerned about." Wait—what? Is one of the Four Horsemen actually going to condemn Rush Limbaugh's wanton misogyny? Ha ha NOPE! "Yes, I think he should have apologized. I had said he used very crude language." One more for the "By All Means Slut-Shame But Have the Decency to Use Dog Whistles" column!
What a collection of courageous and decent gentlemen!
In election news, Romney won Washington state's nonbinding caucuses on Saturday! Congratulations to Mitt Romney once again for being named least barfiest by a bunch of horrible people! He's also starting to pull further ahead in Ohio, presumably after voters listened to any of the words coming out of Rick Santorum's face.
The two of them are all tied up in Tennessee, but Gingrich is leading in Georgia. Super Tomorrow will be SO FUN! I can't wait to see which totes privileged white dude wins in each state!
Those states, by the way, are: Georgia, Idaho, Massachusetts, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Vermont, and Virginia. Alaska also starts some sort of weird fortnight caucus that I can't be arsed to research enough to competently discuss. I only have SO MUCH ENERGY for this shit, and I used up most of it seven paragraphs ago! SORRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
In other AWESOME NEWS about these TERRIFIC CANDIDATES, Newt Gingrich says that Iran "should expect to get hit" if he is president. In case you needed one more reason not to vote for him, ever.
And finally: Rick Santorum wasn't always the radical Catholic extremist that he is today, but his wife's dad convinced him that he should definitely hate women more. And gays, obviously.
Speaking of which: Get a load of this show of respect for the sanctity of marriage: "There are 18,000 married gay and lesbian couples in California and at least 131,000 nationwide according to the 2010 census, conducted before New York state legalized same-sex marriage in July. Rick Santorum says he'll try to unmarry all of them if he's elected president."
Who is it that's trying to undermine marriages again...?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.