Primarily Garbage

GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE! If you are still maintaining maximum enthusiasm for the TOTALLY EXCITING and VERY AWESOME and HOLY SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME NEVER-ENDING Republican Primary, please check this box: □

If you failed to check that box, maybe this will get your primary juices flowing:

Mitt Romney on the set of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

That is just a terrific picture of Mitt Romney with Jay Leno, who is one of the few people I can imagine being a worse president than Mitt Romney. I wonder what they're talking about! I bet it's something GREAT!

Romney: Ha ha I have so many cars.

Leno: Ha ha I have like ten million times the number of cars that you have.

Romney: Ha ha you do! I need more cars!

Leno: Ha ha you DO need more cars!

Romney: Ha ha I'm getting a car elevator in my mansion!

Leno: Ha ha that's awesome. I want a car elevator in the AIRPLANE HANGER where I store all my cars!

Romney: Ha ha I want an airplane elevator in the airplane hanger where I store all my private jets!

Leno: Ha ha I want a private jet made out of denim!

Romney: Ha ha I want to build a denim mansion on the moon! And fill it with cars and jets and elevators! ELECT ME AS YOUR PRESIDENT, AMERICA!

*Ford Commercial*

Leno: And we're back here with THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF AMERICA AND THE MOON Mitt Romney. Hey, Mitt Romney, is it true that you're getting a car elevator installed in your mansion?

Romney: Ha ha yes, Jay, that is true.

[audience laughter and applause]

Leno: And is it ALSO true that you once vetoed a bill allocating money to improve elevators to comply with the American Disabilities Act while you were governor of Massachusetts?

Romney: Ha ha yes that is also true! I am definitely in favor of car elevators for private mansions owned by me and not in favor of human elevators for public access.

[audience cheers]

Leno: Ha ha that's awesome. We should go celebrate by driving some cars!

Romney: Ha ha great idea, Jay! Vroom vroom! I like cars!

photoshopped image of Romney and Leno in a flying concept car, with Romney saying: 'We're goin' to the moon!'

In other news, Rick Santorum is flailing in his own state: "Rick Santorum appeared to be the Republican presidential candidate to beat in Pennsylvania a month ago. With the state primary four weeks away, Santorum now finds himself nearly tied with former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney among the state's Republicans, and support is eroding rapidly, according to a Franklin & Marshall College poll out today."

Whoooooooops! Looks like even your hometown voters can't help but pay attention to the things coming out of your face, Rick Santorum! Sorry you're so terrible! You should make better choices with your life! They are out there to be made, despite your endeavors to crush them!

Newt Gingrich is reducing his staff and cutting back his schedule because that's what viable contenders do, no doy.

Something something Ron Paul.

Speaking of Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul, a new CNN poll has found that a majority of Republican respondents "would like to see Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul drop their bids for the nomination." The rest of the respondents said: "Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul are still in the race? The fuck?"

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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