Congratulations, Mitt Romney! Republican primary voters in the great state of Illinois have decided that YOU are the least barfiest of all the candidates! GOOD FOR YOU!
In keeping with his tradition of being just a TERRIFIC candidate, Mitt Romney introduced a hot new strategy yesterday of telling women who want access to birth control to "vote for the other guy." Ha ha good advice, Mitt Romney! We will definitely take you up on that! Unless we exercise another voting option! In any case, we will definitely NOT BE VOTING FOR YOU!
In other excellency in presidential candidacy news, Mitt Romney was given a tour of Google's Chicago offices yesterday, during which he actually said these actual words to an actual person: "That's a big lava lamp, congratulations." Which, naturally, has already become a meme.
Also! One of Mitt Romney's top economic advisors, former Chair of the Council of Economic Advisers under George W. Bush and Harvard Professor Greg Mankiw, posted a GREAT joke on his blog yesterday [content note for racism and ageism]: "Budget Cuts: The Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and less likely to remember how to get home." HA HA TREMENDOUS JOKE! I especially like how it totally alienates two key Republican voting demographics!
What else? Well, Newt Gingrich is a human being who continues to run for president of the United States of America. Ron Paul is a human being who still has not located a jacket that fits him. Rick Santorum is a human being who remains a vile bigot.
I'm sure you are, asshole.
Finally! Here is some fun news: "The Republican presidential candidates are running low on campaign cash as expensive primaries in states like Maryland, New York and Pennsylvania loom, leaving them increasingly reliant on a small group of supporters funneling millions of dollars in unlimited contributions into 'super PACs'." Citizens United has done some really amazing things for our democracy, hasn't it?! Huzzah.
Next Stop: Louisiana!
Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.