On a scale of one to one million, how excited do you continue to be about the Republican Primary? A MILLION?! That's what I thought you'd say!
This morning, I'll start by giving the Mitt Romney campaign the Famous Last Words Award: Romney campaign says losing nomination would take 'act of God'. Uh-oh ha ha! "Are you listening, God? It's me, Mitt Romney. I am eager to tempt fate AND I just got my period!"
In other Mitt Romney news, Mitt Romney continues to be Mitt Romney. By which I mean, the least barfiest of all the candidates, thus underlining what a truly shitsational field it is, because whooooooooaaa is Mitt Romney a garbage candidate!
He's so terrible that Michael Scherer estimates he's spending $17.14 per vote! That is A LOT per vote! Good thing the Romneys are only poor in spirit and filthy stinking rich in wallet.
I'm also not sure that Mitt Romney is aware he's campaigning as a REPUBLICAN in the United States of AMERICA, because he is saying a lot of THINGS that do not resonate well with conservative voters in this COUNTRY. Like referring to Southern states as an "away game." HA HA THAT IS VERY TRUE! Mitt Romney's home field is Effete Northerner Stadium. He co-owns it with Mr. Bain T. Capital. They play SO MUCH lacrosse there!
Perhaps realizing that it was a bad idea to directly acknowledge he is a yankee doodle dipshit who doesn't set foot in the South except when his presidential ambitions require him to, Mitt Romney tried to recover by pulling a Mitt Romney and claiming to be an "unofficial" Southerner: "I am learning to say y'all and I like grits, and things. Strange things are happening to me!"
Don't worry about Mitt Romney, though! He also said this week: "It would be popular for me to stand up and say I'm going to give you government money to pay for your college, but I'm not going to promise that. Don't just go to one that has the highest price. Go to one that has a little lower price where you can get a good education. And hopefully you'll find that. And don't expect the government to forgive the debt that you take on." Which was received with "sustained applause" from the crowd at a high-tech metals assembly factory in Ohio to whom he was speaking.
Nothing wins over Republican voters like showing them a fancy new pair of bootstraps they can't afford!
In other candidate news, Newt Gingrich is a human being who is running for president.
Ron Paul's candidacy is a house of Facebook friends stacked on an illusion inside a mirror, or something.
And Rick Santorum will not call Mitt Romney a liar, but he WILL call him "serially" untruthful about his record, which he "deliberately misrepresents."
RICK SANTORUM FUN FACT! Rick Santorum's favorite book after THE BIBLE is the thesaurus.
Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.