Primarily Stupid

GOOD MORNING! If you are still maintaining maximum enthusiasm for the TOTALLY EXCITING AND VERY AWESOME Republican Primary, please check this box: □

If you failed to check the enthusiasm box, perhaps this will help pump your enthusiasm back to maximum enthusiosity:

screen cap of article headlined 'Santorum blasts Obama during Cumming rally'
[Click to embiggen. Source.]

Terrific headline. Good job! Give them ALL the Pulitzers.

It's really the monster hands in the accompanying image that really make it, I think. Rrrrowwwrrr! I am the demon-lord of the Cumming rally!

Speaking of demons and Rick Santorum, watch out because the devil's gonna gitcha! That's what the Church Lady Rick Santorum said in 2008: "Satan has his sights on the United States of America! ... Satan is attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality as the root to attack all of the strong plants that have so deeply rooted in the American tradition." (Rick Santorum Fun Fact!: Rick Santorum thinks sensuality is a vice.) But now he says whether Satan is attacking the US is "not relevant to what's being discussed in America today."

He then went on to say something rather remarkable: "If they want to dig up old speeches of me talking to religious groups, they can go ahead and do so, but I'm going to stay on message and I'm going to talk about things that Americans want to talk about, which is creating jobs, making our country more secure, and yeah, taking on the forces around this world who want to do harm to America, and you bet I will take them on."

But I'm going to stay on message. Santorum basically just flatly admitted he's concealing his extremist garbage beliefs in order to make himself more electable. Which, of course, all politicians do, but few of them are stupid enough to admit it so bluntly. And few of them have objectionable positions as wildly objectionable as Rick Santorum's.

"The devil made me do it!"—Rick Santorum.

It was probably also the devil that made him pro-choice until he decided to run for office and did some Bob Morris-style research that convinced him he should totes be a misogynist anti-choice fuckhead instead.

It really makes you wonder what goes through this guy's head. (No it doesn't. His head is a scary place.) Luckily, one of my top secret sources got a hold of Rick Santorum's notebook, so we could get a gander at what he doodles during those boring campaign events.

a notebook page with a doodle of Mitt Romney with devil horns and 'Mitt Romney is the DEVIL!' scrawled in red

I'm worried about Rick Santorum, y'all.


Something something Ron Paul. Liberty, freedom, liberty, freedom, forcible pregnancy, honest rape. It's in the Constitution! Look it up.

Newt Gingrich is definitely still in the race, and he is being urged to be himself in the next debate, which is tonight, because there hasn't been a debate in literally five minutes. Great advice! PERFECT, even. Be yourself, Newt Gingrich! Everyone definitely loves you!

Mitt Romney is still campaigning like Mitt Romney; that is, by saying very stupid things on a constant basis. Here are two good examples!

1. Romney says Obama has 'fought against religion.' Nope! No he hasn't. That is very stupid, Mitt Romney.

2. Romney: 'Labor unions play an important role in our society.' Yes, yes they do! You are so right, Mitt Romney—and yet you are still so stupid, because that is definitely NOT what Republican voters want to hear! See also.

Even when Mitt Romney is smart, he is stupid! Poor Mitt Romney. I would feel soooooooooooooo sad for him if he weren't a garbage nightmare of a candidate whose definition of presidential stewardship weren't to usher in a corporatocracy as quickly as possible!

Hey! Speaking of corporatocracy, I couldn't have been MORE THRILLED I MEAN MORE BARFINATED when I read that President Obama is going to propose lowering the nation's corporate tax rate from 35% to 28%! (See previously.) WHAT A GREAT IDEA! LET'S DEFINITELY DO THAT!

Again I will note the irony of conservatives' bitter partisan rancor directed at President Obama when he is basically a straight-up Republican. Good times.

In other news, Donald Trump might still run for president. Terrific.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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