Primarily Dreadful

HAPPY PRESIDENTS' DAY!!! Let's mark the occasion by talking about all the resplendent gentlemen who want to be US President! They are so great! It's sooooooooooo hard to choose which one of them is the best! Will the dazzling candidate who is definitely the most reprehensible purveyor of gross rightwing garbage ideology please give me a confident Jersey-style fistpump?

image of Rick Santorum with his fist raised at a campaign event
Republican presidential candidate, former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum speaks during a campaign stop at the Christ Redeemer Church, Sunday, February 19, 2012, in Cumming, Ga. [AP Photo]
FUN FACT: I was voted the best fister in Cumming for ten years straight until Deeky W. Gashlycrumb came to town and stripped me. Of my title.

Anyway! Speaking of Rick Santorum being an enormo conservative extremist fucksack, here is a story about that! Executive Summary: Rick Santorum does not merely have an inappropriate level of religiosity for anyone running for the highest office in an ostensibly pluralistic society, but he also believes that there is only One Way to Be Christian, and it's his way, no doi. (Rhymes with moi. Extra Frenchy for maximum contemptlitude.)

Rick Santorum also continues to prove there is no one—NO ONE!!!1!!eleventy!—who is stupider about reproductive issues than he is. With the possible exception of whoever makes those fetus Christmas ornaments.

The award for the Best Santorum Article of the Day goes to Reuters, for this beauty: For Santorum voters, he's a candidate like them. The smirky picture is so tops it's the Coliseum (Hoosiers holla!), and I love the lede more than Mentos (full disclosure: I love Mentos A LOT): "Sporting his signature sweater vest and telling stories of his coal miner grandfather, Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum has struck a chord in the Rust Belt that is helping propel his once long-shot candidacy. Although he is a millionaire, Santorum has found a common touch that has helped put him atop opinion polls." SO GREAT!

"Anyone who is falling for Santorum's Average Joe shtick is basically a total asshole."—Reuters.

I just love how it viciously slams Rick Santorum as a phony baloney while also pointing out that people who love baloney sandwiches are stupid.

(I'm sorry if you like real baloney sandwiches. I don't. Baloney just seems like a hotdog someone flattened with a rolling pin and it makes me want to barf. But don't let my dislike of real baloney sandwiches tacitly impugn your love of baloney! I mean, I like braunschweiger, which lots of people hate! Different barfmeats for different folks! Also: That was just a metaphor!)

Hey, speaking of soulless meat, Newt Gingrich is still in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

The race is Michigan has tightened back up, because no doi, even vaguely reasonable people who find out ANYTHING about Rick Santorum are terrified. So what was once a 15-point lead has now diminished to 4%, and Mitt Romney could actually win in Michigan after all. Huzzah! By which I mean: Who cares!

I bet Mitt Romney's feeling very lucky right about now, because he's got this guy campaigning for him!

image of Mitt Romney and Donald Trump shaking hands in front of a bunch of US flags, and Trump's making some weird-ass face

Something something Ron Paul, who keeps harping on how "liberal" Rick Santorum is, because he's basing his definition of "liberal" on the conservative strawliberal who wants to control every aspect of people's private lives, and not on anything resembling actual liberalism, which tends to be inclined to provide people with choices. Short Version: Ron Paul is still a fucko.

And finally: Here's a fun article about President Obama looking for a new campaign slogan. Whoooooooooooops your hope and change!


Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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