Primarily Terrible

Soooooo, there was totally ANOTHER GOP DEBATE last night, because what better way to recognize Martin Luther King, Jr. Day than to listen to five white racists talk about all the ways they want to undermine the social safety net and roll back all progress toward social justice?

I did not watch the debate, because who fucking cares, but here is my Executive Summary nonetheless: Taxes, Jesus, bootstraps, Reagan, endless war, entitlements, Romney's a poopface, greatest nation in the world, job creators, the end.

Speaking of Mitt Romney, the worst person on the planet until everyone else drops out and endorses him ("Holla!"—Jon Huntsman), Old Doodyhead now has "a commanding 23-point lead over his nearest competitor among Republican registered voters nationally," according to Gallup's latest polling. Congratulations, Mitt Romney! You continue to be the least objectionable of a group of horrible individuals!

fake Mitt Romney campaign poster reading: 'Mitt Romney: Because it's too late to find anyone else. (And believe us, we have searched under every slimy-ass rock, in every boardroom, and in every backwater governor's mansion in America.'

Despite the utter futility of even passingly contemplating being able to derail Romney's comfy train-ride to the nomination, his opponents went on the attack in the debate last night, and they're starting to run oppo ads in South Carlina and Florida. Here's a fun one (see if you can guess whose ad it is before the big reveal!):

Obama supported the Wall Street bailouts; so did Romney. Obama gave us radical Obamacare, that was based on Romneycare. Obama's a liberal on social issues; Romney once bragged he's even more liberal than Ted Kennedy on social issues. Why would we ever vote for someone who's just like Obama...when we can unite around Rick Santorum? And beat Obama! [I'm Rick Santorum and I approve this message!]
Ha ha sure. Good one, Rick Santorum. You are a uniter not a divider! What America needs is not the choice between two milquetoast moderates, but one milquetoast moderate and one EXTREME RIGHTWING DIRTBAG! You will definitely win the Republican nomination now and definitely beat Obama! Good for you!

Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich, whom I increasingly suspect of being a closet Barack Obama supporter, because he doesn't seem to want to win the nomination himself, nor does he seem to want any of the other Republicans to win, says don't vote for Rick Santorum! (No problem, bub.) A vote for Rick Santorum is a vote for Mitt Romney! I guess? I mean, I suppose that's a compelling argument on Planet Gleep-Glorp or wherever it is that it's possible to pretend that these primaries still matter and there is the reasonable chance of a Romney upset. But everywhere else, like here, on Earth, it just sounds like nonsense. "Your blather is too hooeylicious for us, Newt."—Everyone.

Point-Counterpoint: Rick Santorum's wife, Karen Santorum, aka the Luckiest Lady in America, says that, contra Gingrich, Rick Santorum is AWESOME and "gay activists" are mean jerks. I'm convinced! You've convinced me, Karen Santorum! I used to think that your husband was a shit-hole constipated with rock-hard turds of undeterrable bigotry, but now I see that it's just those horrible "gay activists" vilifying him for loving them enough to make sure they don't get married and cause the Baby Jesus to cry. WHAT A GENEROUS MAN HE IS.

I don't know if I'm more grateful to Karen Santorum for speaking out, or to CNN for reporting this important news item. Thanks to BOTH of you!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

Something something Ron Paul. Liberty, freedom, forcible pregnancy. It's in the Constitution! Look it up.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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