Primarily Terrible

OMG, y'all! I'm really concerned about how you're handling the devastation of Michele Bachmann dropping out of the Republican Primary. Are you okay? I hope you are okay. If you start feeling overwhelmed with grief, let this thought cheer you: Now that Bachmann is gone, we are guaranteed that a straight white rich man will secure the Republican nomination. There. Don't you feel better already?

Speaking of the straight white rich man who's going to secure the Republican nomination, Mitt Romney. That's it. Subject, predicate, the end. He's going to win. All the rest of this is bluster and balderdash, until he stumbles his way to the stage at the Republican convention, picks some other straight white rich dude who appeals to evangelicals as his running mate, and then gets eaten alive by President Obama at the debates. Now please enjoy this AP wire photo of Mitt Romney staring dreamily at John McCain.

image of Mitt Romney staring dreamily at John McCain

You know who is NOT staring dreamily at John McCain? Jon Huntsman, that's who! "Nobody cares" about his stupid endorsement of Mitt Romney! Well, even though he sounds like a big petulant baby who's about to take his big granite balls and go home, he's probably right—because if there's one thing in which Jon Huntsman is an expert, it's PEOPLE NOBODY CARES ABOUT.

image of the results of the Iowa Caucus, showing Jon Huntsman at the bottom of the heap

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

Guess how much money Rick Santorum has raised since his big not-win in Iowa? Go on, guess! Did you guess ONE MILLION DOLLARS?! Then you are RIGHT! Rick Santorum has raised one million dollars since 25% of Iowa Caucus-goers said, "Welp, at least he's not Mormon!" Ha ha wait 'til they find out he's Catholic!

Ron Paul pisses on Rick Santorum's one million dollars. He has raised THIRTEEN MILLION DOLLARS in the last few months, giving him a war chest second only to Mitt Romney's. (True Fact: Mitt Romney carries one hundred million dollars cash in his front pocket at all times. He is very rich.) The Romney campaign reportedly raised twenty million in the last quarter. Thassa lotta bootstraps!

This is my favorite headline about Newt Gingrich of the day: "Newt Gingrich sheds his 'nice guy' strategy in New Hampshire." Ha ha sure. Definitely what I've been thinking about Newt Gingrich the past few weeks is, "My, what an interesting strategy of being a nice guy while spewing incomprehensibly cruel rightwing rhetoric!" I guess it's all relative: Gingrich didn't serve divorce papers on a woman diagnosed with cancer while campaigning in Iowa, so, by his own extraordinary standards, merely being a full-tilt, world-class, bile-spewing hate machine was "nice."

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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