Primarily Stupid

OMG, y'all! How FUN was the Iowa Caucus? SO FUN, RIGHT?! I couldn't stop farting with excitement all night! My favorite part, as always, was the media coverage of the events, which is definitely for sure not at all completely awkward and suuuuuuuuuper boring because trying to fill hours and hours of uninterrupted airtime about people counting votes is THE BEST!

Check out this totally trenchant reporting from CNN last night: "They're counting votes here in Whatever County." A woman counts votes in the background. "There's no way of telling what the result will be. The counting continues." PERFECT.

Now, for the big news. Rick Santorum, can you guess in what place you came after all the votes were finally counted?

image of Rick Santorum raising his finger

Nope! But very close! You came in second—which, despite being virtually meaningless in terms of your actual chances of winning the nomination (remember when Mike Huckabee won last time? lulz good times!), is still very impressive, considering that you are a national joke with no discernible political skills. Congratulations!

I bet it was the all-important Duggars endorsement that pushed him to the top of the heap. The grody, horrible heap.

The big winner of the night, by EIGHT VOTES, was Mitt Romney! Good for you, Mitt Romney! Your "Least Objectionable in a Field of Highly Objectionable Garbage Nightmares" certificate is in the mail!

Speaking of eight votes, that is nearly as many as Jon Huntsman got in the entire state. Whoooooooooooops your campaign, Jon Huntsman! I know you are putting all your eggs in New Hampshire's granite, but zoinks you did awful in Iowa. I'm pretty sure I heard last night on CNN that in one county you had tied with Herman Cain, who isn't even running anymore. Yiiiiiiikes.

Still: Hang in there, Jon Huntsman! I think the people of New Hampshire may have noticed that Rick Santorum is a jackass, and not noticed that you are a Mormon. Fingers crossed!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race and has not dropped out yet! But in his speech to supporters last night, he was talking about his campaign in the past-tense. Even though Rick Perry is a dreadful speaker who rarely makes sense, I don't think that's a good sign.

Speaking of dropping out, Michele Bachmann, who was born in Iowa and has virtually lived in the state, professionally waving and eating fair food, since announcing her candidacy, did only slightly better than Jon Huntsman, who has never even heard of Iowa. Whoooooops you should have tried not being a woman, Michele Bachmann! Also, you should have tried not being a dipshit with sawdust where your sense of decency should be. Bachmann nonetheless told her supporters last night that she's staying in the race. Once the reality sets in that this will be Very Hard after all her donations dry up, Bachmann will probably drop out and endorse Rick Santorum.

And speaking of assholes, Newt Gingrich used his speech last night to talk smack about Mitt Romney. Ha ha good plan. Not a good plan for winning (which is not what Newt Gingrich is trying to do), but a good plan—nay, an awesome plan—for trying to stop Mitt Romney from winning (which is definitely what Newt Gingrich is trying to do). Keep it up, Newt Gingrich! The path to Rick Santorum's presidency lies directly behind the trail of earth you scorch!

Ron Paul also did very well, coming in third. I can't even imagine how hot Andrew Sullivan's and Glenn Greenwald's phone sex was last night.

In other news, John McCain will endorse Mitt Romney. "Who cares" seems woefully insufficient on such an occasion.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Shakesville is run as a safe space. First-time commenters: Please read Shakesville's Commenting Policy and Feminism 101 Section before commenting. We also do lots of in-thread moderation, so we ask that everyone read the entirety of any thread before commenting, to ensure compliance with any in-thread moderation. Thank you.

blog comments powered by Disqus