Primarily Terrible

Here's the latest from The Douchestewian Candidates aka the Republican Primary...

Newt Gingrich has a great new website: Click on it. Click on it again. Now click on it three more times. LOL! Whooooooooooooooops Newt Gingrich you forgot to buy your own name domain! Less time "courting voters with judicial rants" and more time in your remedial Internetz 101 class!

Mitt Romney has reversed his position on Iraq: Where he once supported the invasion even though Saddam Hussein had no WMDs, now he says it was "obviously" a bad idea to invade knowing what we know now. I'm really shocked by this total reversal. If there's one thing I thought to be true about Mitt Romney, it's that he's a consistent, principled candidate who doesn't just change his positions willy-nilly depending on which way the wind is blowing. Ha ha just kidding. Everyone knows that Willard has the consistency and principles of a horny teenage boy trying to get laid: "You like the Twilight movies? I LOVE the Twilight movies!"

Ron Paul is testy about the racist newsletters that bore his name and made him shit-tons of money. "I didn't write them, didn't read them at the time, and I disavow them. This is the answer." He then walked out of the interview with CNN's Gloria Borger. That is not a very satisfactory answer, Ron Paul!

I mean, apart from the fact that you just seem pissed-off at being held accountable for hurtful actions, rather than deeply remorseful that ugly racist swill was circulated under your name (hey, is that by any chance because you're not remorseful about that at all?), that you allegedly didn't read or know about ugly racist swill distributed under your name does not speak well to your ability to function competently in the leadership role of a complex organization, where you have to balance hiring trustworthy people to whom you can delegate tasks integral to executing your vision and getting personally involved to provide necessary oversight and guidance. How can you be president if you can't even make sure people who work for/with you aren't sending out The Ron Paul Racist Weekly under your nose?

Also, Ron Paul, I believe you are lying! Because I'm pretty sure no one would have gotten away with sending out pro-choice feminist theory under your name. Just saying!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet.

Michele Bachmann has a favorite gun: "My favorite gun is the AR15 and I'm a really good shot." The AR15 is the civilian version of the M16 assault rifle used by the US military. Um, good job? I don't know anything about guns, and I am kind of creeped out by having favorite guns, but if you're going to have a favorite gun, the AR15 seems like a great one. It is definitely a very impressive murder machine! (Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.)

Here are five things you probably don't know about Jon Huntsman. They are also five things you probably don't care about. Then again, maybe knowing that Jon Huntsman dropped out of high school in 1978 to play keyboards in the rock band Wizard will make you reconsider whether he should be President of the United States of America, so.

Who thinks Rick Santorum's answers to Wolf Blitzer in this interview are just very, very good—a real model of coherent proficiency on the important issues of the day?

image of Rick Santorum raising his finger

Well, that makes sense.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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