Primarily Awful

Here's the latest from White Men Can't Stump aka the Republican Primary...

Speaking of white men, a white man named Bob Vander Plaats, who is the head of Iowa's American Family Values Children Christian Liberty Freedom Patriot Association Foundation Organization, recently gave his very coveted endorsement to lucky fucky Rick Santorum, another white man. But, before doing do, Vander Plaats reportedly "called Michele Bachmann and urged her to drop out of the race and endorse Rick Santorum. ... Bachmann declined, the source said, noting to Vander Plaats that she has consistently polled ahead of Santorum in the race and still does." Bachmann is, of course, famously not a man.

Whoooooooooooooooops Michele Bachmann you are a lady running to be president for a party that does not like ladies.

Rick Perry is still definitely a man, still definitely polling lower than Bachmann, and still definitely in the race! Also, he's an outsider. Stay gold, Ponyboy.

Speaking of gold, Ron Paul made a lot of money from virulently racist newsletters once upon a time, from which he's tried to distance himself in a very unconvincing way. But obviously he's not racist, because Andrew Sullivan endorsed him. Ha ha just kidding. That definitely means he's suuuuuuuper racist. I hope he is elected president so he can make Andrew Sullivan Secretary of the Bell Curve and UFOs.

The second most popular Mormon in the pack, Jon Huntsman, is distantly related to four former US presidents! Willard is related to six, and Ponyboy Perry to one. Neat! "Time and again American politicians have family ties to our country's founders and past leaders," said Anastasia Harman, lead family historian for "It seems the traits that forged past leaders have been handed down through generations to our current and hopeful leaders." Ha ha yep. Traits like privilege.

Newt Gingrich snagged a great endorsement from professional douchestew Don Wildmon, the founder and chairman emeritus of the American Family Association. It's no wonder, either, with Gingrich groovin' the smooth moves like telling a gay man at a campaign event to go vote for Obama. Newt Gingrich 2012: He don't want your cooties vote.

Mitt Romney is very rich! And he's gonna keep getting richer, son.

And in spoiler news, former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson, who has been running for president as a Republican to the tune of Who Cares, has announced he will instead seek the Libertarian Party presidential nomination. "Yay!" said no one. Johnson has no capacity to be a spoiler, but it turns out that Ron Paul does.

Paul-Johnson 2012! "Who's Paul Johnson?" This just in from CNN News: Third-party candidate Paul Johnson is now leading the Republican field by fully 100 points.

Breaking News from the Conservative News Service: Paul Johnson has a Christmas tree positively FILLED with Jesus ornaments.

Reuters Newsflash: Paul Johnson has just been endorsed by the American Conservative Babies Jesus Constitution Bootstrap Brigade.

AP Breaking News: Paul Johnson campaign over after candidate discovered to be two totally unelectable dudes.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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