Film Corner!

Below, the trailer for Jack the Giant Killer, which is not a movie about a dude named Jack of enormous proportions who kills people, but a dude named Jack who kills giants. Or a giant. Many giants? At least one giant.

Here is the movie's synopsis, which should help with this whole conundrum: "Jack the Giant Killer tells the story of an ancient war that is reignited when a young farmhand unwittingly opens a gateway between our world and a fearsome race of giants. Unleashed on the Earth for the first time in centuries, the giants strive to reclaim the land they once lost, forcing the young man, Jack, into the battle of his life to stop them. Fighting for a kingdom, its people, and the love of a brave princess, he comes face to face with the unstoppable warriors he thought only existed in legend—and gets the chance to become a legend himself."

Hmm, that didn't really help at all, in terms of determining how many giants are actually murdered at the hand of this young farmboy. ("As you wish!") Well, whatever. What's important is that we definitely know this is based on a classic Western hemisphere fable (that was probably ripped off from some classic Eastern hemisphere fable), which means that it stars lots and lots of white men, which is the important thing, obviously.

Nicholas Hoult, who is definitely 22 now, I checked Wikipedia and everything, has turned into a very attractive man after being a very awkward little dude in About a Boy. In his short career, he has been in a lot of movies I like and/or like a lot—About a Boy, A Single Man, Clash of the Titans, X-Men: First Class—and I will probably like this movie, too, even though I'm totally going to make fun of this trailer.

Anyway! Nicholas Hoult is handsome and he is a farmhand named Jack. There is Ominous Music. He is given a handful of beans, which are, according to an urgently whispering fellow with monk-hair, "holy relics from a very special place far, far away." Ha ha sure they are. "They are born of dark magic." Holy AND magical, you say? Why, these ARE special beans. "They have the power to change the world as we know it." By revealing that god is a wizard? "Don't lose them." KEEP THEM SECRET! KEEP THEM SAFE! THEY ARE THE ONE BEANS! "Whatever you do, don't get them wet." Uh-oh! I already put them in the toilet!

Ominous Music gets ominouser. There's a rainstorm. A princess with boobs walks down a castle hall. Them beans is getting wet, yo. A cat meows. Someone says in voiceover, "Once darkness gets a taste for light, it will not stop." Stop what? Eating light? Do these giants eat lightbulbs? Is this an allegory about energy conservation? Hmm, maybe not, since a giant and evil green plant (I bet it's a beanstalk!) just crashed through the floor of Jack's garbage hovel. Maybe this is an allegory about how stupid nature is. It's like Al Gore and Ayn Rand are having a capoeira fight on top of a moving train in my head.

The king wants to know where the princess is, Jack. Jack looks up the beanstalk. I guess she's up there? What was the princess doing in his shitshack? Never mind that. SOMETHING GIANT IS COMING! What is it?! Oh, it's a giant. And the giant has grabbed the princess. Horses. Run! Unsheathe your swords and get ready to fight! Flaming trees over the castle wall. Damn, you really don't want to fight giants. This is why we told you not to get those magui beans wet, son!

Rain. Running. Grabby giant! Swarthy giant eyeball. Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.

Jack the Giant Killer, coming to a theater near you in June 2012, just about the time we'll be looking for anything to lift our spirits and distract our minds from contemplating the possibility that Newt Gingrich could be our next president.

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