And Now a Word from Newt Leroy Gingrich

[Transcript below, with my commentary in bracketed text.]

I'm Newt Gingrich, and I'm announcing my candidacy for President of the United States because I believe we can return America to hope and opportunity, to full employment, to real security, to an American energy program, to a balanced budget. [That sounds great! Whooooooops too bad I've read your record.]

I worked with President Ronald Reagan [THE President Ronald Reagan?!] in a very difficult period. We got jobs created again, Americans proud of America, and the Soviet Union disappeared. [Magic!]

As Speaker of the House, I worked to reform welfare, to balance the budget, to control spending, to cut taxes, to create economic growth; unemployment came down from 5.6% to under 4; and, for four years, we balanced the budget and paid off $405 billion of debt. [True Fact: He also worked to secure a rainbow-farting unicorn for every tax-paying American.]

We've done it before; we can do it again. I want your help, because no one person in the Oval Office can get this done. We Americans are going to have to talk together, work together, find solutions together, and insist on imposing those solutions on those forces that don't want to change. [Who are also technically Americans, but they can go to hell.]

There's some people who don't mind if America becomes a wreck as long as they dominate the wreckage, but you and I know better. We owe it to our children, our grandchildren, our country, and, frankly, to ourselves. [Mostly ourselves.] Let's get together, look reality in the face, tell the truth, make the tough choices, get the job done. [Think outside the box, color outside the lines, push the envelope, and go big or go home, because we're not here to make friends.]

There's a much better American future ahead, with more jobs, more prosperity, a better health system, longer lives, greater independent living, in a country that is decentralized under the Tenth Amendment, with power once again back with the American people and away from Washington bureaucracy. [So elect me, Newt Leroy Gingrich, to be the most powerfulest and number onest Washington bureaucrat in all the land!]

No one person can accomplish this. [Especially not Newt Gingrich.] It can't be done from the Oval Office. We have to work together. We Americans have to get it done. [Except the Americans upon which we're going to impose our solutions, OBVIOUSLY.] I hope you'll decide to join me. Let's work side by side. Let's get this done for ourselves, [see?] our children and grandchildren, and for our country. And I hope you'll come to Newt-dot-org, see what we're trying to get done, and decide to join us in getting America back on the right track. [Nope!]

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