You Disappoint Me, Uwe Boll!

by Shaker Brian G, a gay fatty who is Chief of the PC Police by day and fights prejudice with an adorable cat as a sidekick by night.

[Trigger warning for fat hatred; using Nazis as objects of humor.]

Melissa posted a few weeks ago about the latest project of Uwe Boll, filmmaker laureate of Germany, to produce a film titled Blubberella, the trailer for which has now been released.

[Transcript below.]

Blubberella is the heartwarming tale of a girl, her fat, and how she kills Nazis for their sandwiches. I shit thee not—a scene in the trailer depicts Blubberella violently attacking a Nazi, taking his sandwich, and then eating it. It is to laugh.

Actually, it isn't, and not just because I'm Chief of the PC Police. This "comedy" is not funny in any dimension, because the fat jokes in it are barely jokes at all. It's not even the kind of fat jokes that might elicit a laugh if only through surprise or embarrassment. It's just a laundry list of stereotypical "fat traits" played straight: She's fat, she can't run, she eats constantly. The deal is, these things are never pointed out by other characters; they're never given voice. There is no punchline; it's just supposed to be inherently funny.

I expected this movie to outrage me, but instead it bores me. What a disappointment! These jokes fail not just because of the offensiveness, but because they're composed entirely of tropes and components that are beyond tired. The whole thing reeks of the stench of trying too hard. Each scene with Blubberella could have the dialogue replaced with her yelling "I'M FAT! I'M FAT AND EATING A SANDWICH! ARE YOU SHOCKED YET?" and you'd never notice a difference. It's basically the stuff most of us have heard on the schoolyard all our lives, whether we were the targets or not. The difference is it's being acted out by adults who look like all they want is to get their paycheck and go home. Somehow that renders the whole thing even more pathetic.

[Note: While my personal reaction to this movie was not offense, I'm not arguing that nobody else should be offended or judging anyone who is. I can totally see why some people would be offended and I probably would be offended too if I hadn't found it to be so tedious and insincere. See Melissa's oft-invoked "I'm not offended; I'm contemptuous" line.]

Scenes of people being led off of a train by Nazi soldiers. There is dramatic music, and text onscreen reads: "In a time when evil is arising…and all hope is fading…only a true hero…can bring salvation."

Cut to an SS officer and Clint Howard dressed like Dr. Horrible talking about Blubberella.

Clint Howard: Did it move like a vampire?

SS Officer: I didn't see her, but from all accounts it moved like a slow tornado.

People walk into what is, presumably, a concentration camp. Cut to a man holding a gun, aiming it at someone offscreen. He says, "I've never seen anybody move like you do."

The music segues into a wacky sort of swing tune. Blubberella jumps off of a train onto someone.

Blubberella: That hurt me more than it did you!

Cut to Blubberella being confronted by several armed soldiers and explaining that she is half-human, half-vampire before executing a ridiculously-telegraphed Matrix-style bullet dodge. Cut back to Clint and the SS officer speaking again.

SS Officer: Large—very, very large girl.

Clint: Very large?!

SS Officer: Very large. (He holds his arms out to indicate her ponderous fatitude.)

Cut to Blubberella running and screaming while flailing around with rolling pins. Cut back to man holding gun, who says, "Like a caged rhino that hasn't been fed in weeks."

Blubberella (as if to explain how she moves the way she does, despite being fat): Pilates.

Cut to a shot of Blubberella posing in front of a mirror, when her back cracks because SHE'S SO FAT, and she says, "Ow!", followed by a short montage of her eating...and eating...and eating. She stabs a Nazi and takes his sandwich and eats it.

Cut to Blubberella declaring: "Time to kill some Nazis!"

Cut to Blubberella doing the old cover-up-cursing-with-gunfire gag while shooting Nazis. This is intercut with the film title, Blubberella. She then distracts yet more Nazis with another gag by pointing out Hitler (with a Nazi salute, har har) and sneaking away (with a basket of food, har har) when they look. Cut back to Clint Howard and SS Officer talking again.

Clint: Nosferatu, Dracula, Blade, Blade 2, Dark Shadows! Oh, Dark Shadows was a soap opera.

Cut to a man dressed as Hitler yelling at Blubberella in German and shaking a newspaper at her. Blubberella forgets to react.

Cut to gun-wielding guy, who is now no longer wielding a gun, and is now just Guy Wearing Hat: "This doesn't make sense."

Cut to Blubberella confronting a thin, underwear-clad man pinning a woman to a bed.

Blubberella: Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

The man laughs. Because she's FAT! Not his size. Har har.

Cut to yet another lazily-edited montage of Blubberella threatening Guy Wearing Hat, Blubberella harassing another Nazi dude, Blubberella in her bathrobe opening a door and a bunch of guys acting scared of her, Blubberella coming out of a truck dual wielding rifles while wearing what appears to be a dirndl, and just screwing around with the camera. The trailer ends (thank god) with the words "A Super Hero Comedy – Coming Soon."

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