Film Corner!

Last night, I saw a trailer for The Expendables, which, according to the Big Leatherbound Book of Records I Just Made Up has more testosterone per frame than any movie ever produced in the history of talkies. (Only the silent film The Balloonatic has more.) I have but one question: Was Chuck Norris not available? I mean, how much time does writing shitty columns for WorldNetDaily really take out of a man's day…?

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, and Sylvester Stallone hang out in an empty Planet Hollywood church. They discuss an important "job" that needs to be done for "the Agency" for some undisclosed amount of money. It's a suicide mission, but Stallone's ragtag team of mercenaries will do it, dammit!—even though, as Token Black Guy Terry Crews explains during the Group Exposition Scene back at Mercenary HQ, "they've got a whole army…we got four and a half men." Token Asian Guy Jet Li doesn't think that's funny! But Jason Statham does! A white guy and a black guy teaming up to be racist bullies against an Asian guy shows how post-racial this shit is, yo. Oh no! It's a beautiful brown-skinned woman being held by swarthy anti-American types! Hopefully she won't have to make out with Sly Stallone who wrote this piece of shit die! Save her, mercenaries! There are scenes of the Expendables doing the "job." Things go boom. Men run around with machine guns. There is fist-bumping. And—wouldn't you know it?—these guys are RECKLESS! But damn if they don't get the job done! Sometimes you gotta BREAK THE RULES, amirite? HIGH FIVE! Oh Maude, it's Mickey Rourke! And Dolph Lundgren! (Victory!) And Randy Couture! And Eric Roberts! And Stone Cold Steve Austin! HOLY SHIT! This masterpiece should have a much cooler title than The Expendables to honor its amazing quantity of heroes—something like Roid Rage: The Revenge. More thing blow up. Cars crash through windows. Men grunt and scream and dive away from explosions and crashes that COULD HAVE KILLED THEM! Phew. Witty quips. They hate each other, but they're brothers, man. Legolas and Gimli Sly and Statham compare kill numbers and dispute the winner WHICH IS NOT CLICHÉD AT ALL. Coming to a theater near your ass August 13.

There is a longer trailer here with additional scenes of our many, many heroes kicking ass for America. Careful your sides don't split from the killer wisecrackery!