An Open Letter to NBC

Dear NBC,

When I was a 10 year-old closeted lesbian, I knew I would grow up to do one of two things with my life. Either I'd be a newspaper reporter, or a comedienne. I mention this, because I need you to understand that each day for the last 21 years has been an exercise in waking up, brushing my teeth, going out into the world, and watching a piece of me die.

While convalescing from a brain injury, I realized that I had never really watched Last Comic Standing, and resolved to do so. This involves something I cared about, and would undoubtedly not crush my soul.

Would you believe it that there are a number of people out there who are pretty funny, and dare I say, good at stand up comedy? And that some of them were on your show? Or that stand up is kinda hard? I know this because you were kind enough to put together a couple of episodes of awful auditions.

A couple of observations:

1) 'I'm a hyper-masculine jerk who doesn't like anyone' is somewhat less funny in person than it is on stage.

2) If your judges were going to give only 1 of yesterday's 5 slots in the finals to a woman, it probably shouldn't have gone to that chick with the routine about how she's afraid she'll find herself dating some overly sensitive feminist guy who has ambiguous genitalia, wants her to feel good about herself, and will make her soup. Of course, as Greg Giraldo pointed out, the audience did seem to think she was attractive, which makes it really hard to get laughs.

Going out into the world and watching a piece of me die.

Assuming General Electric cares about my well-being, here's a suggestion. Hire Eddie Izzard, Bob Newhart, Betty White, and Lily Tomlin. After that, it's all gravy. Betty White could display sexual agency. People could bring in antiques for Eddie Izzard to appraise. Bob Newhart and Lily Tomlin could make fart jokes as far as I care; they're really funny people.

Either that, or you could go with the pilots of Two-and-a-Half Seinfelds and How I Met Mencia. I really don't care anymore.