Books and Cupcakes and Shit

All right, you collection of tree-hugging limousine liberals, pinko Commies, dope fiends, queerbaits, ladyboys, fat chicks, feminazi castrators, and assorted freaks: Let's talk about books and cupcakes.

I don't know what you fairies have against Jack Ryan, but he is one of my favorite books. Now, normally, reading is for fags, but I make an exception for Tim Clancy Books. Because those are all about kicking ass and taking names, otherwise known as the things that make America the greatest country in the universe. YEAH!

My stepmom Cheryl keeps nagging me to read more, which is total crap because we had English together in high school, and she didn't read SHIT, but anyways, part of the reason I only read Tim Clancy is because he's about the only dude who meets Butch's Five Rules of Reading:

A. Only read books that ain't never been and ain't never gonna be on Oprah's dumbass book list.

B. Never read books that have a martini or a shoe on the cover.

3. Only read books by dudes who already have at least one book made into a major motion picture starring one or more Baldwin brothers.

4. I ain't getting a library card because I don't need some withered old bat telling me I need to be pipe down in the Tim Clancy section.

E. I sure as hell ain't gonna go in no Barnes and Freakin' Noble with all them coffee lesbos.

5. I pick up all my reading material at the gas station, 'cuz it's just about the only place you can find Oui Magazine nowadays, or at the pharmacy. Way I figure it, it if ain't for sale in the book aisle at Walgreens, it ain't worth reading. And it works out good because a book and a stick of Axe deodorant last me the same amount of time.

So those are the rules. And if you don't like Tim Clancy, you're probably queer.

Now, about cupcakes. I don't eat 'em. I mean, if you put some cake mix in a muffin tin and put some icing on that baby, I won't say no. But it better not have no goddamn Smurf on it.

Pornstache: Out.

[Previously by Butch Pornstache: Happy Taxes and Teabags Day, I'm a Proud Teabagger and Real American, Men and Trucks and Shit, Cats and Shit.]

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