You know, friends, being allowed to do a guest post at Shakesville is an honor. An honor of which I, specifically, plan to prove myself unworthy! How will I do this, you ask? Why, by revealing my new career to you! My new career is: DR. SADY, THE LOVE DOCTOR, WHO GIVES LOVE ADVICE, WITH HER Ph.D IN LOVE.
"But Sady," you are saying. "You do not actually have a doctorate in the Love Sciences! You are completely unqualified for this position!" This, sadly, is true. I only have a Master's! Oh, okay, that is not true either, actually. But I have watched a lot of movies.
Specifically, I have watched romantic comedies. These cinematic documents, or "texts," have unlocked to me many of the true secrets of Love. Also, they are made "for women," which I assume means they cannot be sexist! Truly, the major film studios of Hollywood always have the best interests of the ladies at heart, as we can learn from Sex and the City: The Motion Picture, and its forthcoming sequel, Sex and the City: Marriage Marriage Shopping Marriage Babies.
Therefore I invite you to join me, DR. SADY, as I perform some unlicensed Loveology, using lessons from popular film.
1) FAN THE FLAMES OF LOVE... WITH STALKING! It's true: Ever since Ione Skye told John Cusack to leave her alone, and he responded by standing underneath her window at all hours and serenading her with the chart-busting hits of Phil Collins, following a lady around against her will has been one of the chief signifiers of True Love. Stalking bespeaks a passion that cannot be restrained by "rules" or "laws" or "basic respect for the person you want to date." So, should you wish to ignite the flames of love, or reconcile with someone who has shunned you, a little bit of creepily following someone around whilst she repeatedly asks you to stop it should do the trick. Failing that, of course, you will end up with Mila Kunis.
This scene is only slightly more frightening if you imagine Heath Ledger performing it as the Joker.
2) THERE ARE ONLY TWO MEN IN THE WORLD. They are, in order: The guy you want to date, who will end up being a douchebag, and the guy you think is a douchebag, who you will eventually date. Witness recent cinematic love prescription "The Ugly Truth," in which Katherine Heigl wishes to pursue a handsome doctor who likes red wine and cats. Does she end up with him? Don't be silly! He is revealed to have various unspecified flaws! She ends up with Gerard Butler, who calls her boyfriend "gay" and also engages in a little light sexual harassment when he is not complaining about women who "economically emasculate" their men by having paychecks. Yes, women invariably hate and fear the men who come to offer them True Love, probably because they are awful. This is why we need stalking! But, if you wish to find Love immediately, perhaps you might try dating the first dude who inspires you to unmitigated disgust. That guy who grabs your ass in the bar and, when you yell at him, tells you that you missed out because he has a really fancy car? That is your future husband. You will soon be Mrs. Skeevy Pervington III. Speaking of which:
3) YOU ARE A HETEROSEXUAL WHITE PERSON. THIS IS NOT TRUE OF YOUR SASSY FRIENDS! Yes, it's true: if you wish to find Love, as defined by The Movies, you will need to be a candidate for the undeniably perfect and sacred institution of White Heterosexual Monogamy. Sadly, not everybody can be a White Heterosexual. However, if you are not, I have good news: you, lucky person, get to aid the White Heterosexuals in their quest for love! Gay folks and/or people of color make fabulous accessories to the single White Heterosexual girl's lifestyle: witness Drew Barrymore, in He's Just Not That Into You, who avails herself of the aid of several homosexual gentlemen, all of whom are wildly enthused at being let in on her boy troubles. Sarah Jessica Parker, in Sex and the City, actually hires a young black lady (Jennifer Hudson, in fact!) to listen to her various complaints. Lest we think this an inequitable exchange, I must remind you that Sarah enriches this young woman's life by buying her a handbag. Truly, the White Heterosexuals are fonts of ceaseless generosity!
Gosh, boss, I'm so glad that you hired me to come to bars in the middle of the night so that you could condescend to me and make terrible puns and spout your vague aphoristic philosophies and oh my God say "boo-tay" one more time AND I SUE.
3a) OH, AND ALSO, YOU ARE VERY THIN. I refer you, once more, to the Hudson/Parker dynamic. Romance is for the slender! However, should you be not-thin, I hear that Sassy Fat Friend positions are still available.
4) YOUR JOB HAS MADE YOU A MONSTER. Sorry, ladies! I know you need to "pay rent" and "eat" and things like that. However, if you actually take a job, there is a slight chance that you will end up having a career that matters to you. And it will make you the worst person who has ever lived. The Victorians recommended against letting women read too much, lest it shrivel the womb and derange the senses; The Movies have improved on this, by demonstrating that any form of accomplishment will, in fact, render a woman a shrieking, irrational, terrifying harpy. Truly, the only vocation for a woman is Love. Preferably, love with a free spirit who can shake things up and subject her to various humiliations and rid her of her uptight job-loving ways!
Hey, job lady! Can your precious job prevent you from being tossed off a boat? NO. NO IT CAN'T.
5) HEY, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF THOSE GLASSES? YEAH. AND TAKE YOUR HAIR DOWN. No, wait! Don't do that! That boy is asking you to do it for a bet! But also, once you do it, you will become sexy. Sexy to the guy who is planning to make you sexy, because of a bet! But also he will fall in love with you for real, because your ponytail and glasses magically imbued you with bonerkilling powers and he has vanquished them by making 2.5 adjustments to your appearance. I just hope that you don't have a fight when you learn about the bet! Oh, but who am I kidding? You crazy kids will make up at the end. I bet!
6) LOVE MEANS ALWAYS HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY. At least, it does if you are a woman! Because women, basically, cannot make their own choices. They are terrible at that! They cannot choose to focus on a career, for it will warp their minds and destroy their spirits. They cannot choose the men they date, which is why they must be stalked by men who repulse them in order to find love, and why their choices to pursue relationships with non-repulsive non-stalkers are inevitably doomed. They cannot choose how to dress or present themselves, which is why men have to make them over. They cannot choose to be themselves in relationships, which is why they need insufferable boy-men, frequently played by Matthew MacConaughey, to break them down. They also cannot be fat, or lesbian, or of color, none of which are "choices" so much as they are "apparently still grounds for prejudicial exclusion in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Nine AUUGGGGGHHHH." But, no worries, ladies! If you're willing to give up every last shred of that nasty "autonomy," and manage to fall within the desirable demographic of skinny white straight ladies who can be easily made over, love (as defined by the total erasure of your life and personality) is in the cards for you! I know, I know. You can thank me later.