Assvertising

A telephonic two-fer today…

First up: T-Mobile, who evidently believe they only have straight male customers who think with their dicks. In what way could this advert possibly appeal to a feminist woman? Oh, right—it can't. And since they don't want my business, I'm happy not to give it to them.

Voiceover: [with images of people talking on their cell phones] Eight out of ten Americans unknowingly pay too much for their cell phone service. So T-Mobile took action [image of five people in business suits walking down the street] sending out a team of economists to help people find the right plans for them. [images of doors being slammed on and families hiding from economists, then man spraying economist with garden hose] Then we tried a different approach.

[image of man opening front door to reveal Catherine Zeta-Jones in low-cut hot pink dress]

CZJ: Do you have time for a mobile makeover?

Man: I believe I do.

Voiceover: Get your mobile makeover at independent site billshrink-dot-com and find the right plan for you.

CZJ: The coverage you need at the price you want: T-Mobile.

Next up: Boost Mobile, in a continuation of their "Unwronged" series, with quite the clusterfucktastrophe of a advert that uses some high-larious fat-hating in a misguided gender reversal that, as with most men-acting-like-ladeez turnabouts, merely manages to suggest that men who behave like women are ridiculous, and, oh, by the way, women are ridiculous, too. Although, in this advert, we get an extra dose of fuckery care of casting Danica Patrick in the role of Super Special Token Woman whose man-like qualities make her exceptional.

[close-up of cleavage with marked tan line; hand holding marker enters frame and signs autograph on breasts as camera pulls away, revealing it is Danica Patrick signing her name and the breasts belong to a man, who is, inexplicably, shoving his boobs together to create cleavage]

Patrick: What? You think this is wrong? He's got a great rack! I'll tell you what's wrong—paying extra for the basic features on your phone, like texting. That's why I got Boost Mobile. Their fifty-dollar unlimited monthly plan lets me get the most out of my Motorola Clutch.

[fat young man comes up behind Patrick and squeezes his boobs together; she signs them, pats his shoulder, and walks away]

Voiceover: Fifty dollars unlimited nationwide. Talk, text, and web on the new Motorola Clutch. Boost Mobile: Unwronged.

Sigh.

[Assvertising: Parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Twenty-One, Twenty-Two, Twenty-Three, Twenty-Four, Twenty-Five, Twenty-Six, Twenty-Seven, Twenty-Eight, Twenty-Nine, Thirty, Thirty-One, Thirty-Two, Thirty-Three, Thirty-Four, Thirty-Five, Thirty-Six, Thirty-Seven, Thirty-Eight, Thirty-Nine, Forty, Forty-One, Forty-Two, Forty-Three, Forty-Four, Forty-Five, Forty-Six", Forty-Seven, Forty-Eight, Forty-Nine, Fifty, Fifty-One,Fifty-Two, Fifty-Three,Fifty-Four, Fifty-Five, Fifty-Six, Fifty-Seven, Fifty-Eight, Fifty-Nine, Sixty, Sixty-One, Sixty-Two, Sixty-Three, Sixty-Four, Sixty-Five, Sixty-Six.]