(Judd Apatow is not actually associated with The Hangover, but it's only right to recognize how the Apatovian Canon has ushered in a whole new era of straight, white, man-child misogycoms.)
[Complete transcript at end of post.]
Upon seeing this trailer the first time, I turned to Iain and noted wearily, "So now it's not enough for the dudebros to be apologists for or advocates of rape; now they're just putting actual, convicted rapists right in the movie. Awesome."
There's a lot to parse just from this trailer—women are dumb bitchez; men are slack-jawed morons; people of color don't exist; fatties iz highlarious!—which I trust will all be discussed thoroughly in comments, but I honestly just can't get beyond the fact that even being a convicted rapist doesn't mean you can't still get a trailer-worthy cameo in a dudebro flick.
The horrifying part is that I suspect it actually increases your chances. Sob.
Zach Galifianakis and Justin Bartha are trying on tuxes.
Galifianakis: You wanna go to Vegas without me, it is totally cool.
Bartha: What are you talking about?
Galifianakis: Well, you know, Phil and Stu, they're your buddies, and it's your bachelor party…
Bartha: Those two love you.
Cut to Galifianakis standing in his underwear; it's funny because he's fat HAR HAR!
Cut to Rachael Harris and Ed Helms sitting on a couch, looking very preppy and stuffy.
Harris: Boys and their bachelor parties—it's gross.
Helms: [clearly pandering] It IS gross.
Harris: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
Helms: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
Male voice from offscreen: Paging Doctor Douchebag!
Cut to montage of four dudebros in car, road-tripping to Vegas, baby! Cut to scene of lavish hotel room with great view of the strip; one dudebro declares: "Now THIS is Vegas!" Cut to scene of four dudebros toasting.
Bradley Cooper: To a night we'll never forget.
Dudebros: Hear, hear!
Cut to fast montage of one-frame scenes from their night of drunken debauchery. Cut to scene of Helms waking up on a bathroom floor with a chicken walking by and clucking.
Cut to montage of room destruction, stumbling Galifianakis, Helms looking around confusedly and obviously hungover.
Helms: What happened last night?
Cut to Galifianakis urinating; there is a live tiger in the background; it growls; Galifianakis does a slow-double-take, then screams and runs away (once again in his underwear), trips, falls, spilling stuff everywhere. Cut to Helms talking to Cooper.
Helms: Am I missing a tooth? [He grins, revealing a big gap.]
Cooper: [laughing] Ohhhh…!
They hear a baby crying. Cut to Galifianakis, Cooper, and Helms opening a closet door and finding a baby. One of the dudebros asks: "Whose baby is that?"
Galifianakis: Check its collar or something.
Cut to the three dudebros, sans missing groom-to-be, having breakfast.
Helms: I looked everywhere. Nobody's seen Doug.
Cooper: I don't think I've ever been this hungover.
Galifianakis: What's on your arm?
[Cooper looks at his wrist and finds a hospital ID bracelet.]
Helms: You were in the hospital last night!
Galifianakis: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Cut to the dudebros walking outside the hotel; Galifianakis is carrying the baby in a sling on his front.
Cooper: The only important thing now is that we find Doug.
A police car pulls up.
Valet to dudebros: Here's you car, officers.
Helms: Ohhhhh god.
Cut to the dudebros carrying out their investigation of the night before at the hospital.
Doctor: I think it was just you guys—and one other guy.
Helms: Was he okay?
Doctor: He was fine. Just whacked out of his mind.
Galifianakis: Ha! We were messed up.
The baby, still strapped to his chest, has the same horrified look on its face that I do.
Text: From the director of Old School.
Cut to the dudebros investigating at a wedding chapel.
Helms: Is there anything you can tell us about what may have happened last night?
Cut to montage of wedding pictures showing Helms and Heather Graham getting married.
Galifianakis: Congratulations, dude! You got married!
Cut to Helms spit-taking all over Graham from the couch in what looks like a shitty apartment. She is now holding the baby and wearing a huge diamond ring.
Helms: [horrified, to dudebros] She is wearing my grandmother's Holocaust ring!
Galifianakis: I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.
Police burst in, guns drawn and shouting: "Police! Freeze!" The dudebros raise their hands in frightened surrender. Cut to what appears to be an elementary school class.
Officer: These gentlemen volunteered to demonstrate how a stun-gun is used to subdue a suspect.
Dudebros: Huh? What?
Cut to stun-gun hitting Galifianakis in the face. Cut to children screaming. Cut to cop looking excited.
Officer: In the face! IN THE FACE!
Text: It was the night of their lives.
Cut to montage of more zany Vegas scenes. Cut to Galifianakis standing with baby strung across his front, wearing oversized sunglasses.
Helms: Are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Cut to Helms opening car door and hitting baby with it; baby starts to cry.
Helms: Oh my god!
Text: If they could only remember.
Cut to montage of yet more zany Vegas scenes. Cut to Cooper on phone with bride-to be, who's saying: "We're getting married in five hours!"
Cooper: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Cut to montage of even more zany Vegas scenes. Cut to Helms in back of police car, screaming.
Helms: What is going on?!
Text: The Hangover.
Cut to the dudebros finding themselves in a hotel room with Mike Tyson, who's listening to Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight."
Cooper: Mike Tyson?
Tyson: This is my favorite part coming up right now. [Drums along to famous "In the Air Tonight" drum bit; ends by punching Galifianakis in the face.]
Galifianakis faceplants on the floor.
Helms: [miming a right hook] He's still got it.
Text: June 5th.
Tyson: [singing off-key] I can feel it coming in the air tonight.