Apatowcalypse Now: Rise of the Dudebros

Iain and I barely saw any television last week (although we did, naturally, watch the season finale of Looooooooost!), but it seemed like every single time we did turn it on, we saw the trailer for the upcoming dudebro comedy, The Hangover, which is about four dudebros who go to Vegas for a bachelor party and, after a wild night of zany hijinks, the bachelor has gone missing, so the other three dudebros have to find him.

(Judd Apatow is not actually associated with The Hangover, but it's only right to recognize how the Apatovian Canon has ushered in a whole new era of straight, white, man-child misogycoms.)

[Complete transcript at end of post.]

Upon seeing this trailer the first time, I turned to Iain and noted wearily, "So now it's not enough for the dudebros to be apologists for or advocates of rape; now they're just putting actual, convicted rapists right in the movie. Awesome."

There's a lot to parse just from this trailer—women are dumb bitchez; men are slack-jawed morons; people of color don't exist; fatties iz highlarious!—which I trust will all be discussed thoroughly in comments, but I honestly just can't get beyond the fact that even being a convicted rapist doesn't mean you can't still get a trailer-worthy cameo in a dudebro flick.

The horrifying part is that I suspect it actually increases your chances. Sob.
Zach Galifianakis and Justin Bartha are trying on tuxes.

Galifianakis: You wanna go to Vegas without me, it is totally cool.

Bartha: What are you talking about?

Galifianakis: Well, you know, Phil and Stu, they're your buddies, and it's your bachelor party…

Bartha: Those two love you.

Cut to Galifianakis standing in his underwear; it's funny because he's fat HAR HAR!

Cut to Rachael Harris and Ed Helms sitting on a couch, looking very preppy and stuffy.

Harris: Boys and their bachelor parties—it's gross.

Helms: [clearly pandering] It IS gross.

Harris: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.

Helms: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.

Male voice from offscreen: Paging Doctor Douchebag!

Cut to montage of four dudebros in car, road-tripping to Vegas, baby! Cut to scene of lavish hotel room with great view of the strip; one dudebro declares: "Now THIS is Vegas!" Cut to scene of four dudebros toasting.

Bradley Cooper: To a night we'll never forget.

Dudebros: Hear, hear!

Cut to fast montage of one-frame scenes from their night of drunken debauchery. Cut to scene of Helms waking up on a bathroom floor with a chicken walking by and clucking.

Helms: Huh?

Cut to montage of room destruction, stumbling Galifianakis, Helms looking around confusedly and obviously hungover.

Helms: What happened last night?

Cut to Galifianakis urinating; there is a live tiger in the background; it growls; Galifianakis does a slow-double-take, then screams and runs away (once again in his underwear), trips, falls, spilling stuff everywhere. Cut to Helms talking to Cooper.

Helms: Am I missing a tooth? [He grins, revealing a big gap.]

Cooper: [laughing] Ohhhh…!

They hear a baby crying. Cut to Galifianakis, Cooper, and Helms opening a closet door and finding a baby. One of the dudebros asks: "Whose baby is that?"

Galifianakis: Check its collar or something.

Cut to the three dudebros, sans missing groom-to-be, having breakfast.

Helms: I looked everywhere. Nobody's seen Doug.

Cooper: I don't think I've ever been this hungover.

Galifianakis: What's on your arm?

[Cooper looks at his wrist and finds a hospital ID bracelet.]

Helms: You were in the hospital last night!

Galifianakis: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Cut to the dudebros walking outside the hotel; Galifianakis is carrying the baby in a sling on his front.

Cooper: The only important thing now is that we find Doug.

A police car pulls up.

Valet to dudebros: Here's you car, officers.

Helms: Ohhhhh god.

Cut to the dudebros carrying out their investigation of the night before at the hospital.

Doctor: I think it was just you guys—and one other guy.

Helms: Was he okay?

Doctor: He was fine. Just whacked out of his mind.

Galifianakis: Ha! We were messed up.

The baby, still strapped to his chest, has the same horrified look on its face that I do.

Text: From the director of Old School.

Cut to the dudebros investigating at a wedding chapel.

Helms: Is there anything you can tell us about what may have happened last night?

Cut to montage of wedding pictures showing Helms and Heather Graham getting married.

Galifianakis: Congratulations, dude! You got married!

Cut to Helms spit-taking all over Graham from the couch in what looks like a shitty apartment. She is now holding the baby and wearing a huge diamond ring.

Helms: [horrified, to dudebros] She is wearing my grandmother's Holocaust ring!

Galifianakis: I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.

Police burst in, guns drawn and shouting: "Police! Freeze!" The dudebros raise their hands in frightened surrender. Cut to what appears to be an elementary school class.

Officer: These gentlemen volunteered to demonstrate how a stun-gun is used to subdue a suspect.

Dudebros: Huh? What?

Cut to stun-gun hitting Galifianakis in the face. Cut to children screaming. Cut to cop looking excited.

Officer: In the face! IN THE FACE!

Galifianakis: Ahhhhhhhhh!

Text: It was the night of their lives.

Cut to montage of more zany Vegas scenes. Cut to Galifianakis standing with baby strung across his front, wearing oversized sunglasses.

Helms: Are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?

Cut to Helms opening car door and hitting baby with it; baby starts to cry.

Helms: Oh my god!

Text: If they could only remember.

Cut to montage of yet more zany Vegas scenes. Cut to Cooper on phone with bride-to be, who's saying: "We're getting married in five hours!"

Cooper: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Cut to montage of even more zany Vegas scenes. Cut to Helms in back of police car, screaming.

Helms: What is going on?!

Text: The Hangover.

Cut to the dudebros finding themselves in a hotel room with Mike Tyson, who's listening to Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight."

Tyson: Shhhhh!

Cooper: Mike Tyson?

Tyson: This is my favorite part coming up right now. [Drums along to famous "In the Air Tonight" drum bit; ends by punching Galifianakis in the face.]

Helms: Oh!

Galifianakis faceplants on the floor.

Helms: [miming a right hook] He's still got it.

Text: June 5th.

Tyson: [singing off-key] I can feel it coming in the air tonight.

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