Teenz Korner: Don't Tea-Bag THESE Teens!

[Trigger warning.]

Hey, assholes! It's Dr. Kenny Blogginz, and I'm here with another one of my Peabody Award winning Teenz Korners. This week, I interviewed some local teens about the recent "tea-bagging" phenomenon that has been taking America by storm. For those of you that don't know shit, Tea Bagging is a grass-roots movement of heroic men and women who have decided to say "enough is enough" to the dastardly President Obama and his tax hikes, which punish the wealthy in a move that most reasonable people are labeling "socialism." As I'm writing this piece, the number of participants in the tea bagging movement has surpassed 100 billion.

There are flip-sides to every tea-bag, however, and the teen that I interviewed seemed to be particularly distressed by the moral bankruptcy which pervaded the grass-roots movement. I met up with the president of the non-profit organization Teens Against Tea-Bagging, Cody Jakes, at the local Applebee's Bar and Grill.

K-Blogz: Good evening, sir, and thank you for sitting down with me for this important interview.

C-Jakes: 'Sup.

K-Blogz: Why don't you tell me a little bit about why you are so strongly opposed to tea-bagging?

C-Jakes: Well, Kenny, Teens Against Tea-Bagging is actually a coalition of teen abstinence groups in the tri-county area. We have banded together to try to preserve the true spirit of Christian abstinence, even as our parents are out in Washington as we speak, protesting for a lewd sexual act that many of us were not even aware of until now. The actions of our parents and role-models have shattered our innocence.

K-Blogz: Wait a minute…I don't think we're actually talking about the same…ah, fuck it. What do you plan to do to help these dirty tea-baggers to see the error of their ways?

C-Jakes: Teens Against Tea-Bagging has several protests against tea-bagging planned. For instance, there's the Rusty Trombone System, where members of my organization will basically play rusty or broken trombones around groups of people who are tea-bagging. The cacophony will theoretically drive them away from our parks and monuments. Secondly, there's the Rim Job, which is where we basically try to get tea-baggers interested in high-end rims for their cars, which will distract them from the devilish pleasures derived from tea-bagging. Finally, we come to the pièce de résistance, which is of course the Missionary Position. This plan consists of sending some of our highest ranking missionaries right into the thick of the tea-bagging, to read scriptures and pray fiercely for the well-being of the souls of these devious tea-baggers. In computer simulations, this plan has resulted in widespread conversion of tea-baggers to the Lord's way. It's our last resort, however, because it may also result in a premature rapture. Which would be totally awesome, except that Vatican mages have yet to locate the Krom-darr gemstone, which obviously has to be offered to the head Horseman of the Apocalypse for safe passage into the kingdom of Heaven.

K-Blogz: Cody, those sound like some really effective plans. I can't wait to find out whether they work or not.

C-Jakes: Be careful out there, Kenny. You're a great man, I can tell, and I'd hate to see you seduced by the tea-baggers.

Waiter: Did anybody order chocolate pizza poppers?

C-Jakes, K-Blogz: Yaaaaaaay!!!


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