Actual Headline

Jessica Simpson Steps Out Amidst Weight Controversy. Seriously. Because, as everyone knows, once someone deems you a fatty, you're supposed to shamefully hide your disgusting body away from public view, preferably in an attic or dungeon. If you're fat, you're not only meant to be unhappy, but deeply ashamed of yourself, projecting at all times an apologetic nature, indicative of your everlasting remorse for having wrought your monstrous self upon the world.

In solidarity with Jessica Simpson, I'm giving myself this headline for today: DAY 12,683 Fatwatch—Melissa McEwan Continues to Live Life as a Big Fat Fatty Boom Balatty!!!11!eleventy!!

Step out, Jessica. Fat, thin, whatever. Just keep on steppin', girl.


If you're not familiar with Jessica Simpson's "weight controversy," Bill Wolfrum will bring you up to speed here. Meanwhile, Page Six offers this helpful contribution: "In light of the mild hysteria surrounding recent pictures of 'Jumbo' Jessica Simpson, we felt it was important to the public discourse to provide photos of 50 fat celebrities." Their list includes, I shit you not, Clay Aiken. Sob.

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