Last night, Steven Colbert named Mr. Ciptak his "Alpha Dog of the Week," to hilarious result. The clip is worth watching just for Colbert's reaction after it cuts back from the video of Ciptak explaining his classy move.
Colbert: They say, folks, if you lay down with dogs, you wake up with fleas. You lay down with my kinda dog, you wake up with puppies. This is my Alpha Dog of the Week! [sound of dog barking]
Tonight's Alpha Dog: Mark Ciptak. [sound of dog barking] While most of us wear our support for a candidate on our bumpers, our hats, or our artfully manscaped chests, only Tennessee resident Mark Ciptak had the alpha dog instincts to wear his on his newborn baby daughter—who he legally named Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak, in an effort to "get the word out" for the McCain campaign. This man, right here, will do whatever it takes to raise awareness for his favorite causes. Just ask his two other kids, Meals-on-Wheels Ciptak and Please Spay or Neuter Your Pets Ciptak.
But, folks, simply naming your child Sarah McCain Palin isn't enough to make you an alpha dog. No! Mark clinched the title by doing it behind his wife's back, after the couple had agreed on the name Ava Grace. Yeah. Ava Grace—that name wouldn't have helped anyone. Except his daughter's chances of leading a well-adjusted life.
Now, here, Ciptak takes us back to the moment he made his alpha move.
Ciptak: 'Bout a half an hour before to leave the hospital, I brought up to my wife—'cause my conscience was really, you know, drilling me; I just really felt bad that she wasn't involved—and I really thought she was going to be, like, gung ho—"Yes, let's do it." She wasn't.
Colbert: [shrugs like "Who'da thunk it?!"; snickers] The good news is: They can save time by filing the name change and divorce papers on the same day!
Oh, oh, by the way, side note: Ciptak also named the placenta "Lieberman."
If you ask me, Sarah McCain Palin could not be a better name for a baby. After all, bald, wrinkly babies bear a striking resemblance to John McCain; not to mention, they nap almost as much.
So, Mark Ciptak, for putting country first, wayyyyy ahead of ever having sex with your wife again, you are my Alpha Dog of the Week! [sound of dog barking] We'll be right back!