McCain on The Tonight Show

Another video, care of Petulant, who is now having a much-deserved rest after being up all night making videos for us! Here's my arch-nemesis John McCain on The Tonight Show with another of my sinister nemeses Jay Leno last night, yukking it up in a display that makes me want to throw up for ten thousand years. I've provided a paraphrased transcript (with some unavoidable commentary of my own) below, for those who can't watch/hear the video.

Paraphrase of video (if anyone can find a full transcript, please drop a link in comments): Leno says he loves having "real people" like those running for president on his show; McCain says it's his 13th time on The Tonight Show; they make jokes about how old McCain is; McCain pretends to fall asleep; McCain says his social security number is 8 (ho ho); Leno asks about McCain and Biden being friends and wasn't it Biden who suggested McCain run as Kerry's veep; McCain says yeah and Biden once said that if McCain ran on either party's ticket it would be great for America and he'll keep reminding Biden of that.

Leno says now Biden says that McCain would be Bush's third term; McCain says he's the underdog, but they're tied in the polls, and he loves being the underdog; McCain makes idiotic joke about Leno being his running mate; Leno says he can make more money "doing a week in Vegas" (presumably he meant comedy, although I didn't realize there are people who would pay to see that—huh).

Leno says being pres is a lousy job for the money; McCain says the house is nice; Leno tells him he's got enough of those; McCain has no response and looks like an embarrassed glaikit.

Leno asks whether Obama's selection of Biden will affect McCain's veep choice; he says no; "you've gotta find somebody who you know shares your principles, your values, and your priorities" (by that rationale, McCain couldn't pick himself of four years ago!); they discuss Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty; McCain jokes that Biden talks a lot; Leno makes the most annoying cat noises in the world because he's a giant asshole.

McCain says Obama was most liberal senator and Biden was third most liberal according to their voting records; Leno says he's been disappointed in the negative ads; says he's "watched the American dollar turn into the peso" and he doesn't care about how many houses someone has etc. and wants to know why negative ads work and why Americans fall for them (for the same reason they think you're funny, Jay—people are idiots).

[edit for commercial break]

McCain talks about being a POW; spent five and a half years in a prison cell without a house and didn't spend that time in captivity because he wanted a house (zuh?); says he's proud of Cindy's father, who barely finished high school, fought in WWII, and started a business, and realized the American Dream; Cindy is a great humanitarian; he's proud of his life and his record; they spend their time in a condo in Washington and a condo in Arizona and some time in California and they have another place up in northern Arizona and "my friends, I'm proud of my record of service to this country, and it has nothing to do with houses."

Leno asks about negative ads; McCain says "we all don't like negative ads" and claims his ads comparing Obama to Paris Hilton were an attempt to be humorous (humor: FAIL); says the tone of the campaign is "very rough" but it's Obama's fault because he didn't agree to McCain's plan to come together in town hall meetings and stood onstage together to campaign directly to American people; Leno says they're doing some debates; McCain says it's not the same boo hoo wah wah wah.

Leno asks McCain about using Hillary in some of his ads; asks why McCain doesn't pick her as his running mate; McCain dodges the question and says he respects Clinton (but not enough not to take her words out of context for an ad, of course, ahem) and she inspired millions of young Americans, especially women; he appreciates her, but they have different ideas about government and how to stop out of control spending and ethical problems.

Leno says the dollar is falling all over the world and asks if that's the biggest issue; McCain says it's a symptom and "we gotta stop sending $700 billion a year overseas to countries that don't like us very much." Huge applause. What $700 billion is he talking about? Imported goods? Foreign aid? War funding? WTF? It doesn't matter. The audience goes wild.

McCain then says that we've got to drill offshore for oil immediately; "And we need nuclear and we need wind and tide and all—and hydrogen, all of the things—natural gas, hydrogen cars, electric powered cars" and flying monkeys and jetpacks and rocket ships and unicorns!

McCain says "some of the money we're sending overseas" (that mysterious money we're just sending randomly in bundles) "ends up in the hands of terrorist organizations" and it should be used instead for energy independence; America can do it; too many nay-sayers blah blah; in France, 80% of their energy is generated by nuclear power—followed immediately by jokes about how France sucks, of course.

Then Leno hustles him out of there and says he's got a Republican fundraiser in Hollywood to get to. Who's Paris Hilton now, asshole?

The End.

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