Criswell On Queers

Petulant asked me the other day what sage and seer The Amazing Criswell had to say on the subject of queers in his 1968 book Criswell Predicts: From Now to the Year 2000! Ole Criz (that's my pet name for him) only mentions homos twice in his book. Once is a single line, about halfway through, under Headlines of the Future:

ENGLAND LEGALIZES HOMOSEXUAL MARRIAGES (1969)

Nice try. What's 35 years, more or less?

But, anyway. Back to page one. Criz lays it on thick with talk of "organized orgies" and "perversion … parade[d] shamelessly" across the land. The good citizens of Des Moines should be so lucky. Here's the full text:

I predict that perversion will flood the land beginning in 1970. I predict a series of homosexual cities, small, compact, carefully planned areas, will soon be blatantly advertised and exist from coast to coast. These compact communities will be complete with stores, churches, bars and restaurants which will put the olden Greeks or Romans to shame with their organized orgies. You will be able to find them near Boston, Des Moines, Columbus, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., San Francisco, St. Louis, New Orleans, Dallas, and Miami.

Not only will these tastefully decorated carefully planned areas be blatantly advertised, they will also exist. In Iowa. Does Des Moines even have a gay pride parade? Something tells me they're still not ready for the Castro to move into the heart of the corn belt.

Much thought and planning will be expended in setting up these communities where perversion will parade shamelessly. And all this will be within the law because the perverted will claim they have been discriminated against. The Supreme Court will rule that whatever these consenting adult males, or females, wish to do, they can! Greece and Rome, along with Carthage and Babylon once permitted the same type of communities. I predict that history will repeat itself right here in America beginning in the year of 1970, and increasingly after the Supreme Court upholds them in 1973.

I'm beginning to wonder if maybe Ole Criz was using the Mayan calendar in his predictions. I'm also beginning to wonder if he was sniffing glue as he wrote.