Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of WTF?

[Serious spoiler warning. I mean it! I'm going to talk about the ending and everything, so don't say I didn't warn you! This is your warning: SPOILERZZZ!!!]

First, let's start with the four-word movie review: What the fuck, Spielberg?

Or, if you prefer: George Lucas hates me. Ruining Star Wars wasn't enough for this voraciously destructive dillweed; he had to go and ruin the other beloved series of my childhood, too! While you're at it, why don't you just stomp on my Strawberry Shortcake dolls, too, ya bastard?!

Okay, I can't even begin to estimate how many times I've watched the Indy films, nor do I believe I can properly convey how much this newest film had my vote to lose. I was excited as hell about it; I wanted to like it; I expected to like it; I was seeing it with Iain, who was as excited and determined to like it, and certain he would, as I was. We were eager and invested and ready to cheer.

And then came the opening scene featuring an anthropomorphized prairie dog, and my heart just sank. Oh no.

Iain and I looked at each other in the dark with furrowed brows. Still, we shook it off. One misstep. No biggie.

We gave it another chance. And another. And another. And more...through the absurd premise, the xenophobia, the terrible dialogue, the wooden acting, the clichés (oh, Maude, the clichés!), the derivative set pieces and imagery, the criminal reduction of Marion to a love-struck ninny, the appalling underutilization of John Hurt, the crap special effects, right on to the ending, at which point I watched as Cate Blanchett's character—the most interesting thing about the whole bloody film—get obliterated with...wait for it...too. much. knowledge.

Are you kidding me?

Indiana Jones is an archaeologist and a professor! His life is about the acquisition and dissemination of knowledge—and the thing about Indy is that it was often his knowledge that saved him. Even if he wasn't tougher or faster or bigger or stronger than the other guy, he was always smarter. He was adventurer and intellectual.

It's why I loved him.

So why, then, at the end of this film was I forced to watch a character—and a female character, no less—be destroyed for the terrible sin of wanting knowledge?

The Hacktacular Duo should have just named her Eve and gotten it over with.

And, by the way, remember that leaked screen shot of Shia LaBeouf punching Blanchett in the face? (Click here to see the image.) That never actually happens onscreen. Which makes Paramount's decision to leak that particular shot to generate interest for the film all the more curious.

Not only do I give this movie two thumbs down; I only wish I had a couple extra arms so I could give it even more.


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