Friday Movie Review: "The Speed Racers"

Hey assholes, it's Kenny Blogginz again, and I'm here with another one of my eye-opening Friday movie reviews.

My wife and I just got back from the movie theatre, and boy are my engines revved up. The Summer Blockbuster Race has only just begun, and "The Speed Racers" comes in first place in my book, even though I had to make a "pit stop" during the movie, because I had diarrhea! Anyway, "The Speed Racers" is running on "E." But the "E" doesn't stand for "empty"—it stands for EXCITEMENT!

"The Speed Racers" is all about a young racing prodigy named Steve Racecar, played by Emily Hirsch. He's the best in the business...and the business is adventure! Steve runs into trouble when he turns down a big sponsorship from a mogul who cares more about profits than he does about 360s and triple-dips. Steve gets helped out along the way by the mysterious Racer X, played by Matthew Fox. SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Racer X is actually Rex Racecar, Steve's fake-dead older brother.

If this storyline sounds familiar, it may be because "The Speed Racers" is actually a prequel to last years breakout success, "Into the Wilde," which is about a disillusioned Steve Racecar journeying into Alaska, eating some poison "Boo-Berries," and dying a painful death. SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "The Speed Racers" is also a prequel to the hit television series "Lost," which is about Racer X banding together with fellow plain-crash survivors to punch people and shoot people. It's called "The Racecar Trilogy," if you're interested in buying the box set.

In conclusion, if you're ready to start your summer off with a bang, "The Speed Racers" is the perfect high-octane thrill ride for you and your pep-peps to go see. It's a great movie for people who have fake-dead brothers, too. If you can get your fake-dead brother to see it with you, that would be perfect. If he's still pretending to be dead, just wear a classy oversized tee-shirt with an airbrushed portrait of him on it. He'll know, because he's probably a secret agent.

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