Krystal Gemz: Chapter 14: John McPAAAAIN!!!

It was late. I sat at the small desk in the far corner of my Conjury, reading my battered copy of the "Book of Shadows", and sipping on elixirs and ales. Suddenly, my wizard's intuition began to detect a disturbance in the Great Weave. It was a sensation that I can't quite was like a ringing in the ears, or the feeling of being watched. It started out small, but quickly grew. Soon, my hair was standing on end, and my teeth were aching from some sinister presence.

Suddenly, there was a deafening roar from the other side of the room, coming from the silver summoning circle that was inlaid in the concrete of the floor. The roar was quickly followed by a blinding yellow light and the acrid stench of rotten eggs—sulfur. The light formed into a sort of ethereal miniature tornado, which slowly died down to reveal presidential hopeful John McCain, standing trapped in my summoning circle, his teeth bared angrily, and his navy blue blazer swirling about him, blown by unseen winds. He raised his summoner's staff to strike out at me, but it met with an invisible wall of resistance—the protection of the circle. He voiced his frustration in a wordless, beastly howl that chilled me to the bone and doubtless woke people up all over my cul-de-sac.

I raised my left arm in front of me, pushing will power into my shield bracelet. It began to pulse with blue-white energy. I approached John cautiously.

McPain: Kenny Blogginz! Let me out of this circle so I can finish you once and for all!

KBlog: Whoa whoa whoa...have I missed something here? Why the hell are you trying to kill me in my basement all of a sudden!? And how do you even know my name?

McPain: I know everyone's names...I'm goddamn John McCain! As for why I'm trying to kill you, you know what you did!

KBlog: Is this about that article I wrote like 3 months ago? What was it called again...?

McPain: It was called "McCrapalypse Now", you pompous ass!

I spit orange soda all over the place in a sudden fit of laughter. John McCain raged against the summoning circle once more.

McPain: You think you're so fucking special, always bragging about your mastery of the Forgotten Arts, and the Ancient Craft...well let me tell YOU something. I fucking INVENTED magic! I am the original chronomancer, you amateur half-wit! I'll have you know that I drink your Ice Blasts! I DRINK THEM UP!

KBlog: Jeez, calm down, John. That was just a joke! I didn't mean anything by it! See, the reason it was funny was because the film "Apocalypse Now" is basically like a documentary about you!

McPain: Oh, I know why it was supposed to be funny, but it was very offensive and mean spirited, and I'm going to kick your ass hardcore just as soon as I break out of this thing...

KBlog: Come on, McSAME, don't be like this...

McPain: Don't call me McSAAAAAME!!!

At this point, John McCain was finally able to body slam his way out of the circle. He advanced upon me with a wicked grin on his face, his hard-soled boots clacking sharply on the hard floor.

McPain: In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost...PYTHONS!!!

Out of the end of McCain's Summoning Staff flew a dozen giant pythons, fangs bared for my throat. I redoubled the energy flowing into my shield bracelet. The first few pythons rebounded off a translucent blue circle in front of my arm, but the next nine or so were able to break through my shield and immediately wrapped around my body, constricting painfully. I fell to the floor, gasping for breath. McCain's cruel grin spread, and he raised his staff for a finishing blow. With the last breath of air in my lungs, I quickly rasped out the words to a teleportation spell. There was a flash of light and a strange feeling of directionless motion, and before I knew it, I was standing directly behind McCain.

KBlog: Wizard's Surprise, asshole!

I quickly traced a glowing blue pentacle in the air in front of me, which flew forward and wrapped around McCain, effectively imprisoning him. The summoned pythons disintegrated as their master's concentration was broken.

KBlog: Looks like the tables have turned, DIRTBAG!

I dragged him back into the summoning circle, and cast him through a portal into the Realm of Farts.

KBlog: Have fun smelling farts for the next million years or so!

McPain: You haven't heard the last of me, Kenny Blogginz, I SHALL have my revenge!

The portal closed with a hiss, showering sparks all over the damn place. I trudged upstairs, drank three beers at the same time, and collapsed onto my futon bed.

To be continued…?

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