Hollyweird Dreams—Fear and Loathing on Rodeo Drive: Journal of a True Star

1/27/08: I've finally figured out what I want to do with my life, Shakers. For years now, I've known that traditional college just wasn't the thing for me. Neither was manual labor. In the words of the immortal Jeffree Star, "I'm a FUCKING STAR!!!" I've decided to sell all my belongings and move to Hollywood, and make it big in Show Business.

2/3/08: Stage One complete! I have now been living in California for several days, and it is amazing. I've had to make a few minor sacrifices, but I'm still sure that I made the right choice in moving here. Unfortunately, there were no seaside mansions available for $33.00 in Monopoly Money, so I had to shack up with a mysterious man known only as "RimJob." He lives in a studio apartment, so we're a little bit cramped, but he's been pretty accommodating. He lets me sleep on his couch! RimJob keeps to himself mostly, but sometimes he does get a little drunk... He told me that he knows Hollywood like the back of his hand, which is covered in scabs, and that I have the kind of star quality the Hollywoodies are always looking for! Walk of Fame, get your star ready for Kenny Blogginz!

2/24/08: The offers haven't been rolling in like I thought they would...in fact, I haven't even secured ONE role yet...I've been losing a lot of weight lately. This was a mistake.

3/5/08: The acting community is a-buzz! Huge news for all us Hollywood Hopefuls: Rob Schneider is creating another Deuce Bigalo movie! It's going to be called "Deuce Bigalo Male Gigolo 3: Beer Bongs of Truth: The Quest for the Hidden Weed-Forest." I'm heading out to the audition later on tonight. Wish me luck!

3/6/08: I did it! I got my first role! I'm going to be playing a talking beer bong in a scene where Rob Schneider's character has a drug-induced hallucination that serves as a plot device. This beer bong role is the reason I left my entire life in Small Town America behind! The Big Agents are sure to notice my performance, and then it's smooth sailing from there on! I think I'll go look at yachts later on today.

4/9/08: I recorded my lines earlier today, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little underwhelmed. I pretty much walked 10 blocks, went into a tiny room, said "WHOA, DUDE" into a microphone, and then was told to leave. The man working there told me he was positive my scene would get cut from the film. I think he was full of shit. Fool's Shit. What an asshole.

4/27/08: They cut my fucking scene. RimJob stole all my money. I've been krumping for peanuts just to survive the remnants of the harsh California winter. I'm addicted to cocaine, and I think RimJob's brother Chumbo Rizzo is trying to kill me. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to become a movie star. I just didn't get it back in January. I was so young, so naive. Rob Schneider is the king of Hollywood, and anyone that thinks differently is human garbage. I had to write the second half of this entry on a banana peel with my own blood, and send it to Liss to transcribe to the cybernet. Shakers, I hope you can learn from my follies. Never try to make it in an industry which is already dominated by Rob Schneider. Your beer-bong character WILL get cut.

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