What In The Sam Hill Are You Rascals Thinking?

Great Caesar's Ghost! I cannot begin to convey the scuttlebutt that has been whirling like a Dervish around the offices of the Agency for Environmental Fortitude these days! Apparently, some reporter chap published a print-newsy regarding a few simple drops of pharmaceuticals in the public's drinking water, and, zounds! Mr. Bell's invention has been "ringing off the hook," as they say! And confound it, you "Liberal" types have been sitting on your backsides, sputtering away about this like my old Model T, filling the ether with tall tales on your visual-teletypes! As I have stated, the Agency for Environmental Fortitude is aware that this is a growing concern, and we are giving this a good sound looking-over! Dash it all, do you not realize that the security of this great nation is at stake?

Your "blogger-madam" has had great fun in making mock of me, Benjamin H. Grumbles, but I assure you that this bunko artist will be quite sorry when the enemies of This Great Country arrive to wipe that smirk off her face! I assure you, dear reader, these savages will stop at nothing! Nothing! By hook or by crook, these scallywags will have us all saluting the Kaiser while wiping our feet on Old Glory before you can say Jack Robinson!

I am flabbergasted that you ruffians are actually complaining about the amount of medicinal elixers in your drinking water! Hogwash! I'll tell you what should be making you shake in your Wellingtons: the accursed Turks using your drinking water for their steam-powered war machines! They are already developing a fantastic black-powder elephant cannon that can blow our mighty airships out of the sky! And yet here you sit on your visual-teletypes, complaining that your drinking water may contain foreign matter! The Turks have begun winding their massive clockwork mechano-men, my good people, and don't think these monstrosities will think twice about popping your noggin off your shoulders like greased lightning!

Let me tell you, my cowardly "Liberal" friends, I have whipped my weight in wildcats during my day. 'Twas many the afternoon I would ride the penny farthing down to the gym-nasium, where I would engage only the most vicious blaggards in fisticuffs. And whom do you think it was delighting in flavoured phosphates with the lovely ladies afterwards? It was I, Benjamin H. Grumbles!

Yet, my heart turns to ice when I imagine these sausage-swilling Huns riding their mammoth tread-driven iron horses over the hills, belching fire and flame, destroying our way of life and delivering a sockdologer right to the manly clenched jaw of This Great Nation! No, I will not have it! The Grumbles are a proud people! I fought alongside my bosom chum Prescott to keep This Great Nation free from goose-stepping Krauts in the past, I stood astride MacArthur at the 38th Parallel to beat off the Red Menace, I will not see it fall due to drinking water!

Hear me now, you "Liberal" rapscallions, I will ride you out on a rail if you continue this talk. Consider yourself forewarned! Benjamin H. Grumbles is a huckleberry above a persimmon, and I will wake snakes if I am crossed! Benjamin H. Grumbles has arrived to engage in fisticuffs and drink sarsaparilla! And he is all out of sarsaparilla!

Addendum: I understand there has been much chin-wagging regarding my associations with one William Ulysses Stickers. I wish to officially state that I have had no dealings with this scoundrel, and I don't care a continental for this four-flusher's ridiculous stories. William Ulysses Stickers should and must be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law!

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