Good morning, Shakers! This is Shakesville's Senior Shakesville Teen Analyst and 18-year-old Man-Boy of Leisure Kenny Blogginz. You may remember me from such other Shakesville hits as Dem Younginz and Young 'Publicans. I'm the one on the streets, asking all the hard-hitting questions, while you sit back and read from the comfort of your own home. Shame on you.
Anygay, in this Left-Winged caricature of America, run by Activist Judges and the Gay Mafia, the question that keeps slapping me on the chin is this: Is feminism really necessary anymore? I decided to throw on my Chuck Taylor Sneaker Shoes, pull on my Abercrombie Hoodie Sweater, turn up some Linkin Park jams on my iPod Portable MP3 player, and hit the Streets of America, to find out what My Fellow Teen Americans thought about this outdated, obsolete ideology.
Women aren't paid as much as men, you say? Maybe all you Islezbofascists should tell that to Monica Kciurzky, a 17-year-old employee of Wal-Mart, who has been assured by her manager on numerous occasions that she earns the same hourly wage as her male coworkers.
KenBlogz: Monica!! WHAAAZUUUUUUUUP? I'm Kenny Blogginz. I'm writing an important article about feminism for a blog that you've never heard of. Why don't you just tell me a little bit about yourself?
MonMothma: Hi, Kenny. My name is Monica Kciurzky. I'm 17 years old, and I've worked here at Wal-Mart for the past 2 years. I started out disguised as a Senior Greeter, and was eventually promoted to my current position, Vice Stockroom Watercooler Technician Laureate.
KenBlogz: I'm just going to hold my nose and plunge into the icy waters of my first question. Do you consider yourself a feminist?
MonMothma: Aren't feminists those ladies who burn their bras, don't shave their legs/armpits/whole bodies, smell like poop, and are all mad because they don't have boyfriends?
KenBlogz: A common complaint from "feminists" is that women only make 70 cents to every dollar that men make. Your thoughts?
MonMothma: My mom said that one time, and I was like "Whatever!" So I asked my Assistant Vice Manager about it, and he informed me that that was just a load of superstitious pseudo-science. He even showed me a pie chart that proved that I earn the same amount as my boyfriend Andy Anderson.
KenBlogz: Ok, then. What about feminists' crackpot theories on how women are portrayed so negatively in the media that it oftentimes seems like a joke?
MonMothma: I take offense to that. My aunt was one of the firefighters that helped to rescue people during the 9/11 Terrorist Attacks on U.S. Soil. She was featured in Fox News's piece, "Surprisingly, Their Tits Didn't Get In The Way." She was treated as nothing but a hero. They even devoted fifteen minutes of the segment to the fact that my aunt's vagina didn't get infected when she was forced to work in standing water. In fact, because of her Inferior Musculature, she was able to squeeze into areas that the Men simply couldn't fit into.
KenBlogz: Wow, it sounds like your aunt really knew her place.
MonMothma: She did, she did.
In order to avoid being labeled a "sexist" by the Militant TamponBurners, I next interviewed Monica's boyfriend, fellow Wal-Mart employee Andy Anderson.
KenBlogz: Andy, I'm doing an article about feminism. Where do you stand on the issue of Women's Rights? Do they deserve them?
Adm.Akbar: Absolutely. It's just that in this day and age, they already share all the same privileges as men. It's like, give it up already!
KenBlogz: I know! It's like they're just looking for excuses to be pissed off all the time!
Adm.Akbar: You said it, bro! They need to redirect their anger into a valid issue, like The War on Christmas.
KenBlogz: You're a real American Prophet. Wanna meet me at Depressed Dad's [a local tavern] around 8?
Adm.Akbar: Absolutely! Hang on a second... MONICA! I'M NOT TAKING YOU TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT.
Adm.Akbar: JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE SMOTHERING ME!
Even though the diagnosis was clear, I was sure that my readers would want a second opinion. I headed down to X-Treme GameUrz: 4 Teenz & Tweenz to meet a local oddball who professes to be a feminist. And get this: it's a guy!!! I put the Paddy Wagon on Speed Dial, and entered the Lioness's Den. The cashier directed me to the hazy back of the establishment, to a young man named Phylliam Diller.
KenBlogz: Good evening, Phylliam. I'm Kenny Blogginz and I'm squeezing into my Typing Tites to write an article about feminism. Just tell me a little tidbit about yourself.
PhylDil: Hello, Kenny. My name is Phylliam Diller, and I'm a feminist.
PhylDil: I just feel that women are treated very unfairly in our society.
KenBlogz: Our society!? Whose society would you prefer, sir—Mao Tse Dong's Communist China!?
PhylDil: No, they're pretty sexist, too.
KenBlogz: Just tell me: What drove you to such depths of insanity?
PhylDil: Actually, my older sister used to be a waitress, and she was harassed so severely by her male customers that it really opened my eyes to all the gender inequality in America.
KenBlogz: Well, I'm sorry that Red-Blooded American Men sometimes have needs, after working at their grueling jobs all day. And I'm sorry that you hate hard working American Men. And our Lord.
PhylDil: I didn't even say that!
KenBlogz: You call yourself a feminist...I've got another -ist ending word for you...and that's COMMUNIST! Shame on you, sir, shame. I guess you can't be a feminist unless you also hate America. Ronald Reagan is weeping red white and blue tears in the deepest bowels of hell right now.
PhylDil: Please don't say I hate America.
KenBlogz: Too late, Osama.
As I was leaving X-Treme GameUrz, I bumped into Phylliam's girlfriend...let's call her Valerie Solanas. I convinced her to sit down with me for an interview.
KenBlogz: Hi Valerie, I'm Kenny Blogginz. I just got done interviewing your boyfriend about feminism. He seemed to have some pretty dangerous ideas. Are you a feminist?
ValSol: Yes, I am.
KenBlogz: I'm going to have to stop you right there. It looks to me like you're wearing women's makeup. And I can't smell you.
KenBlogz: Nothing. Please tell me what happened to you as a child that caused you to even consider being a feminist?
ValSol: Nothing happened to me as a child! I'm a feminist because I believe that women should have the same rights that men have.
KenBlogz: But...that's not what feminism is about at all! It's about killing off all men, save for a select few breeding studs...and overthrowing the government and "money system"... and abolishing "male medicine" so that women can live forever...
ValSol: What in the flying fuck are you talking about?
KenBlogz: I just don't know anymore.
ValSol: Feminism is about women gaining the same rights that men have! It's about gender equality—and opening up a spectrum of definitions of both femininity AND masculinity. Feminism benefits men, too!
KenBlogz: It's not about establishing societies of women who would, among other things, cut up men?
ValSol: Of course not! I'd never cut anything up!
KenBlogz: It's not about forcibly directing every Red-Blooded American Man into elaborate castration machines?
ValSol: No! Absolutely not!
KenBlogz: It's not about a radical agenda to destroy the Y chromosome and rename the planet Lesbos?
ValSol: What? No.
KenBlogz: It's not about telepathically auditing out body thetans via regression therapy in which their extermination by Xenu with hydrogen bombs is re-experienced?
ValSol: No, that's Scientology.
KenBlogz: It's not about eroding arbitrary male privilege and empowering women so that they can do things like choose who they have sex with, get an education, control their own reproduction, and have orgasms?
ValSol: Well, yes—it is about that. But those are good things, Kenny.
KenBlogz: What a fool I've been! I mean, when you get raised in a small town...well, you only hear the American Farmer's side of certain issues and I...I'm sorry.
ValSol: It's ok, Kenny.
KenBlogz: [crying hysterically] I thought I was an American Hero...but I ended up being an American ZERO!!! WHYYYYY!!???
ValSol: Shh, it's all right; you're an American Hero.
ValSol: Of course. It's never too late to become a feminist!
ValSol: You wanna come get some ice cream with me and Phylliam?
KenBlogz: Would I!? [yes]
So there it is, Shakers. I began this article thinking that a woman could never be president, because while on "The Rag" her manicured fingers would always hover scant inches above the enormous red "Nuke Teh Globez" button in the direct center of the desk in the Oval Office. Now I recognize my follies. Through the kindness and compassion of Valerie Solanas, Paragon of Understanding and Acceptance, I have come to realize that, like it or not, women are people too.