Hillary Clinton's Presidential campaign is ruining my life. I'm not making any endorsements or condemnations, but before that uppity woman came along, at least in my circle of friends, sexism remained safely un-discussed. But Hillary saw all the happy male friends in the world and decided that it was time for her to blast them apart with a fucking stick of vagynomite. That's right—vagynomite!
I never had to worry about what my best teevee watching buddies thought about Gender Rights and Equality...it was irrelevant to us! The only political issues that we discussed back in the day were which people were running for President of Jay Jay's Pizza, and how they could possibly effect the future of the Cheeseburger Pizza. Now I have to hear statements like "Hillary is just a bitch, dude," or "LOL did u see that guy with the sign that said Iron My Shirt? That was a great argument he made against her policies." And in order to preserve these valued friendships, I just have to nod along with these formerly solid bros, and say things like "Toooootally," or "You do have a point in that her genitalia differs greatly from our own."
Hillary, out of respect for the friendship of gnarly dudes, stony bros, and all around high-five buddies across this great nation, please just drop out of the race and let Obama have his day in the sun. At least I can agree with my friends on one thing—Barack Obama would be totally fun to knock back icy brews with. And that's what we need in a president, god damn it. If we tried to knock back icy brews with Hills, who knows HOW much buzz she could potentially kill?
If not for the bros, then please, Hillary, just do it for the buzz. Don't kill the buzz.
[This has been another dispatch from Shakesville Teen Analyst and 18-year-old Man-Boy of Leisure Kenny Blogginz, who has previously reported on Dem Younginz, Young 'Publicans, and whether feminism is even necessary anymore, dude.]