Hey, Shakers—it's Kenny Blogginz here, the Senior Shakesville Teen Expert. I've known Melissa my whole life, and I'm now an 18-year-old Man-Boy of Leisure, whose services have been engaged to do field reports on "teen politics" from my position as a teen political junky. Since I've been reading a lot of "buzz" lately about how more and more of my peers are identifying themselves as Democrats, I decided to start my investigation by heading down to the local skate-park, SHR3DDURZ, to interview some of the amazing teens who surround me every day about their political views.
My first interview was conducted with an enigmatic young rollerblader known only as Monster-Truck.
Blogginz: Good afternoon! My name is Kenny Blogginz, and I've come here to talk to young people like yourself about their political views. A number of studies have recently indicated that young people are increasingly supporting Democratic candidates for the upcoming '08 election. Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself and your political views?
Monster-Truck: Hey dude, the name's Monster-Truck! I don't know about all these "studies" and "candidates" you're talking about, but what I do know is that weed needs to get legalized...LIKE YESTERDAY!
Blogginz: That is definitely a valid issue, and one that the Democratic and Republican candidates are sharply divided on—
Monster-Truck: Bro, let's get one thing straight; I like to smoke weed. A lot. And I'm going to be turning eighteen in time to vote in the 2008 presidential election. I want to make sure that I vote for a candidate that isn't going to increase penalties against people who are caught with marijuana. Naturally this issue alone has caused me to align myself with the Democratic Party. I support Barack Obama for the Presidency.
Blogginz: Any particular reasons you chose Obama over Hillary?
Monster-Truck: Hillary!? She's totally fugly, bro!
Blogginz: You don't have to want to have sex with her...
Monster-Truck: Bro, all I know is that Obama seems like a dude I could knock back a few cold ones with. A few icy brews. Some chilly beers. Am I right? High five, bro! [He forces me to high-five him.] If Hillary were president, she'd probably just make the Airforce One pink or something! [Monster-Truck laughs hysterically for roughly four minutes.]
Blogginz: Monster-Truck, that doesn't even begin to make sense.
Monster-Truck: Your mom made sense last night...IN THE BUTT!!!
Monster-Truck rollerbladed away from me at that point, laughing cruelly. Somehow, I still felt like I was missing out on why exactly my fellow teens were Democrats. I decided to try my luck with more of the hip kidz at SHR3DDURZ. I was eventually permitted to interview Billy Jefferson, an 18-year-old fist-fight enthusiast and long-time skateboarder.
KBlog: Hi, Bill, thanks so much for sitting down with me this evening.
BillJeff: No problem, Kenny. As an aspiring young barfighter, for me, no publicity is bad publicity! [Laughs.]
KBlog: Indeed! First of all, tell me: As a young hooligan, do you consider yourself to be a Republican or a Democrat?
BillJeff: Well, when I was younger, before my parents divorced, I always went with the Republican side of things, because my dad is a Baptist Minister, and he always told me that Democrats want to legalize Beast-Marriage. But after my parents split up, and President Bush had been in office for a few years, I started to get past the pink and down to the stink, yo. I realized that G-Dub was fucking brain-dead, dude, so I've counted myself among the Democrats for a few years now.
KBlog: Fascinating. So tell me, Billy—where do you stand on the issue of same-sex marriage?
BillJeff: Dude, I'm totally fine with fags. I think they should be allowed to do whatever they want. As long as they don't try and have sex with me. 'Cause then there would be a fist fight!
KBlog: I don't doubt it for a second!
BillJeff: You better not!
KBlog: I don't!
KBlog: What do you think about women's rights, Billy?
BillJeff: Dude, babes are where it's at! [He gives an enthusiastic thumbs up.] Except when they want you to go down on them. [Thumbs down.] My girlfriend Britney is always bitchin' about sexism, but then I'm just like "Whatever, dude!" Am I right? Down low, man! [I reluctantly give him the "down low" variation of the "high five."]
KBlog: Might it be possible for you to put me in contact with Britney? I'd like to interview her, too—
BillJeff: Sorry, dude. She's taking a virginity pledge with her dad at some fancy shindig tonight.
KBlog: All right then. Well, it's refreshing to see such a politically active young couple. It's been a pleasure talking to you!
BillJeff: You too, Broseph! Hey, if you're into politics, you should come talk to my little bro, Mainframe. I was just going to go meet him at Skadoodlies Youth Center, Cyber Cafe, Hookah Bar/Regular Bar and Grill. He's a real computer expert. He got his nickname when he was able to actually hack into the school's mainframe, and change all our grades to A+'s. He's a huge fan of Ron Paul.
Presently, I accompanied Billy Jefferson to Skadoodlies, an underground teen hangout hidden behind a stripmall. When we opened the front door, an enormous cloud of sweet-smelling smoke wafted out at us, and dozens of bloodshot eyes turned our way. I followed Billy to the back of the bar, to a table where Mainframe was sitting by himself and typing furiously on his laptop. Mainframe was a thin, pale young man, of about 14 years of age. He was wearing a black trench coat and a T shirt that simply said N00BZPWNLOL on it.
KenBlog: Good evening, Mainframe. My name is Kenny Blogginz, PHD. Your brother Billy told me that you're a real Ron Paul aficionado, is that right?
Mainframe: That is correct. I have a level 60 Dark Elf Mage in World of Warcraft named Ron Paul.
KenBlog: What made you choose Ron Paul out of all the candidates?
Mainframe: Well, Kenny, he's the only candidate who wants to get our troops out of Iraq NOW. He opposes the Patriot Act, and the Federal War on Drugs! I need to be able to smoke "The Bong Arm of the Law" without fear of the Feds busting my door down. In my cyber-book, these stances make him a whole buttload more liberal than the Democratic candidates. He's also against gun control, which is important to me, because I need to be able to carry my concealed Desert Eagles without fear of persecution. [He throws wide his black faux leather trench coat, revealing two gold-plated Desert Eagles holstered at his hips, and a short Japanese samurai sword, or wakizashi.]
Mainframe: You never know when you'll have to pwn some n00bz, you know.
KenBlog: Sure. Look, friend, it's been great talking to you...and this smoke is making me feel all...nipply...I think I'm just gonna hit the road.
Mainframe: K, bye!
As I drove home that night, I couldn't help but feel a sense of awe at the fact that my generation is going to help choose the next leader of the free world.
(Coming Soon: Part Two—The Young Republicanz…)