• It's okay to appear ambitious. Ambitiousness shows that you're confident and secure—a leader.• Don't appear too ambitious; it freaks men out and offends less accomplished women.
• Don't cry, or it will expose you as too weak to lead our fine nation. And, remember, if you cry, then Jesse Jackson, Jr. will accuse you of crying out of self-pity, rather than for Hurricane Katrina victims.
• Do cry, because you don't want to appear unfeeling and robotic; crying humanizes you! And even if you simply well up a bit, they'll call it crying, anyway, so you may as well let the waterworks flow.
• For God's sake, don't laugh. Your laugh is a crazy cackle, and whenever you let loose, you'll be accused of deflecting attention away from an issue you don't want to confront.
• Do laugh, or else people will think you have no sense of humor, and the last president to lack a sense of humor was Nixon—you certainly don't need that comparison.
• Don't allow fine lines to appear on your face, or Rush Limbaugh, that paragon of GQ handsomeness, will question whether the nation is ready to witness a woman age in office.
• Do age naturally, because if you go for cosmetic surgery or even Botox, it will reinforce the perception among some voters that you are not genuine.
• Flash some cleavage to remind us you're a woman.
• Cover it up because it's unseemly for a woman "of a certain age" to dress like a slut.
• Wear pantsuits because they make you look both fashionable and authoritative.
• Don't wear pantsuits, because Anna Wintour says not to, and you don't want to mess with the devil.
• Use Bill Clinton to campaign on your behalf because he's the best there is (or at least he used to be) and people still like the two-for-one deal.
• Don't use Bill Clinton because you ought to run on your own record and, besides, he's really annoying the crap out of a lot of party leaders.
• Refer to yourself as 'Hillary' because it makes you seem accessible.
• No, refer to yourself as Senator Clinton because it reminds people of your experience.
• No, call yourself Hillary Rodham Clinton to show you maintain an identity separate from your husband's.
• No, call yourself Hillary Clinton (without the Rodham) to show you are committed to your marriage despite all the whispered rumors.
• Oh, hell with it, call yourself 'Hill'. It's a win-win-win: it makes you one of the gals and it reminds people that you work on Capitol "Hill" and it lets you avoid the whole 'Clinton' imbroglio.
• And of course no list of advice for Hillary Clinton would be complete without the following: Above all else, be yourself.
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