I Write Letters

Dear Bill O'Reilly,

When you opened the disgusting font of diarrheic vitriol you call a mouth to emit the grotesque statement that you "don't want to go on a lynching party against Michelle Obama unless there's evidence, hard facts, that say this is how the woman really feels…that America is a bad country or a flawed nation, whatever," every sentient person who had the misfortune of hearing you recoiled in revulsion at your blatant display of unabashed hatred and nauseating racism.

Then, two days later, you plucked from the huge vat of fetid shit you call a brain the most ridiculous bit of back-peddling imaginable, arguing that "[t]he word 'lynching' was used because I said it quite clearly: I'm not going to go on some lynching party against Michelle Obama; that's ridiculous," as if anyone with two brain cells knocking together couldn't discern that you, in fact, had categorically not said you weren't going on "a lynching party," but that you wouldn't unless there was some evidence that she feels "America is a bad country or a flawed nation." (Addressing your preposterous suggestion that there's something wrong with regarding America as imperfect will be addressed in a letter sent under separate cover.) You also took the opportunity to dismiss a caller, who had the temerity to suggest you owe Ms. Obama an apology, as a "far-left loon."

Then, last night, on the towering heap of putrid waste you call The O'Reilly Factor, you finally "apologized" by uttering the following hot, steaming mess: "While talking to a radio caller, I said there should be no lynching in the case—that comment off Clarence Thomas saying he was the victim of a high-tech lynching. He said that on 60 Minutes, you may remember. I'm sorry if my statement offended anybody. That, of course, was not the intention. Context is everything." Well, Bill, you're right about that—context is everything. And adult human beings with functional brains (and probably most children) can see quite evidently that you have ripped your despicable statement about Michelle Obama from its context in order to reframe it as something it was manifestly not. You, sir, are a liar. You've always been a liar, and I've no doubt you will ever be a liar.

And I'm certain you are aware of the precise extent of your own mendacious fuckitude, given that your original statement—"no lynching party unless…"—ironically has a contingency not totally dissimilar from your apology—"I'm sorry if…" The ultimate non-apology apology, which I'm sure you know, which I'm sure is exactly why you used it. It turns the words "I'm sorry" into an unstated "I'm not sorry at all."

It's sort of like how "I don't want to go on a lynching party unless" really means "Let's lynch this bitch."

You're not fooling anyone, you scumbag.

Eat shit and die,

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