Dear Preposterously Stupid Wankers Masquerading as the American Media:
Remember the little talk we had about Obama's lapel pin? Please consider the same sentiment operative, only slightly more so, about Obama's drug use. Please also note that including an old picture of the Senator with an afro, accompanied by the ominous caption that he discussed "race, wealth, and class" with his classmates, does not activate any deep-seated suspicions within me that he might secretly be a radical revolutionary hopped up on goofballs who aims to fix the nation's healthcare crisis by proclaiming: "Weed for all free people, man!"
Incidentally, given that we now know even a former "reefer" smoker managed to emerge unscathed from the raging Occidental College "party scene," and, despite having—gasp!—gotten "high," possibly on more than one occasion, is now one his party's leading contenders to be their presidential nominee, I think we can safely put to bed the narrative that smoking pot DESTROYS LIVES ZOMG!!!eleventy-one!!!!!
Thanks for your kind attention to these issues. As ever, I'll be here if you've got any questions, dipshits.