Actual Headline

McCain refuses to pander. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! No, really. I swear it's real—look:

Now, I grant you, it's the Washington Times, but still. I mean, in further proof there is no god, or—if there is—s/he ain't paying attention, every person reading a print copy of that article should have been struck by lightning just for proximity to such flagrant mendacity.

May I submit as evidence that McCain does not, in fact, refuse to pander, the following items: serving as Bush's Real Doll, accusing the Democrats of partisan pettiness, acting as apologist for missing WMDs, pandering egregiously, cozying up to white supremacists, slandering other veterans, rolling over on torture, embracing all manner of crap, being a grumpy old asshole, hatin' teh gayz, and more, hatin' the womminz, and more, endorsing the teaching of intelligent design, licking Bush's balls on the Dubai Ports contract, lovin' K Street, and more, lovin' Bush some more, and more, lovin' Jerry Falwell, lovin' Bob Jones, lovin' James Dobson, being a whiny-ass titty-baby, making hawt foreign policy recommendations, and some more, being a general wanker, lovin' John Bolton, blaming Teh Clenis, threatening suicide if the Dems took Congress (still waiting for that one to happen), calling for common sense (ahem), wooing the Federalist Society, hiring unethical fucknuts to run his campaign, engaging in class warfare, talking crap about the war, being a flip-flopper on his own signature issue, being a hypocrite, being a rude idiot, being a dumb fuck, running a terrible campaign, opposing an ethics bill, getting humiliated by high school students, calling America a Christian nation, making a general ass of himself, living on Cloud Cuckoo, hanging out with Imus, butchering pop culture references, weaseling around concerns about his age, lying about his qualifications, and, finally, the jewel in the crown's case:

Does not pander? Does not compute.

The most hilarious thing about the story in the Washington Times, by the way, aside from the headline, is the picture they chose to accompany it:

"Me? Pander? Whaddaya mean?"
"Look—he's panderpooped his pants again!"

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