May I Introduce Lord Douchly Douchehill of Douchehound Manor, at the Foot of Mount Doucherock, in the Douchebag Region of Douchistan

Otherwise known as total douchebag Corey Worthington Delaney of Melbourne, Australia—a 16-year-old idiot who threw a party while his parents were on holiday that raged so out of control it has made international headlines: "More than 500 people turned up [the] house in Melbourne and police were called when neighbours complained about the noise. Some of the revelers went on a rampage and police cars were pelted with glass bottles while nearby houses and gardens were vandalised. No one was arrested but at least 30 officers, a helicopter and the dog squad were needed to break the party up."

But the best part of this story unfolded when Corey—clad in a fur-trimmed camo jacket, what appears to be an '80s painter's cap unearthed from the bottom of an ancient Goodwill bin, oversized sunglasses, and a nipple ring—took to the airwaves to be interviewed by a local news tabloid anchor, who earnestly and patiently tried to give the moron the chance to rehabilitate himself, only to be told that he wouldn't remove his sunglasses because they are "famous."

Below you will find the complete transcript of this video, because I didn't want a single person to miss a word of Corey's total, unmitigated, douchebagotry. [H/T Michael K.]

Anchor: Well, it's the real-life Risky Business—a teenager hosts an alcohol-fueled party for hundreds of kids, while his unsuspecting parents are on holiday. Sixteen-year-old Corey Worthington is now facing not only the wrath of Mum and Dad, but a twenty thousand dollar fine from police. I spoke to him a short time ago. Corey, thanks for joining us. The only question that I can think to ask is: What were you thinking?

Corey: Um, I wasn't really.

Anchor: Did your parents say you could have a party?

Corey: Um, no. They didn't.

Anchor: So why did you?

Corey: Um, I dunno. It was just a get-together with a couple mates at first, and then we thought we might as well just have a bit of a party, and then it sort of just got out of hand, and…yeah.

Anchor: Well, 500 people turned up—the air-wing of the police force, the dog squad. Your neighbors' cars were being destroyed. What have your parents had to say, Corey?

Corey: I haven't really talked to them, because, every time they call, I don't answer, 'cause yeah. They'll probably try to kill me.

Anchor: So…that's a short-term strategy. You're going to have to talk to them eventually. What are you going to say?

Corey: Um, sorry…?

Anchor: Are you sorry?

Corey: Uh…yeah. Yeah, I am.

Anchor: You don't sound very sorry.

Corey: Well, I can't be exactly blamed for what happened, because it wasn't in the house; it was out in the street, and I didn't do it…like…the police said, "You stay inside, so you don't get in trouble," so I did what he said., so…

Anchor: Why don't you take this opportunity now to apologize to your parents—and to you neighbors, who have said today that they were frightened.

Corey: Well, I've already, I've already offered that…to say sorry to them and stuff, when I see them, so…I will say sorry now, for everything that happened…?

Anchor: Why don't you take your glasses off so we can see you? And then apologize to you neighbors, for frightening them.

Corey: Mmmmm. Nah. Nah. I'll leave these on. Nah, I like 'em.

Anchor: They might be fined twenty thousand dollars. Are you going to try and pay that for them?

Corey: Yeah, but I don't think it's fair that I'd be fined it, because what happened—it was my party, but it could have just been any random person walking in the street doing it. Wh—that happens all the time.

Anchor: Your parents were out of town; you put out the invitation; you started it. Why don't you make a grown-up decision now and accept responsibility, take off those glasses, and apologize to everybody that you frightened, to the police, who were forced to retreat and whose cars have been damaged, and to the community who've had to pay for this? Take your—take off your glasses and apologize to us.

Corey: I'll say sorry but I'm not taking off my glasses.

Anchor: Why not?

Corey: 'Cause! They're famous!

Anchor [incredulous]: Because your glasses are famous.

Corey: Yep.

Anchor [contemptuous]: Why are your glasses famous?

Corey: I dunno. Everyone likes them, so…I dunno. I'm not taking 'em off.

Anchor [clearly beginning to question her career choice]: You're pretty happy with the way you look and the attitude you've got, are you?

Corey: Yeah! My parents aren't, but I am.

Anchor: [revolted, despairing]: Okay, Corey, we've got to wrap this up, but what would you say to other kids who were thinking of partying when their parents are out of town?

Corey: Get me to do it for you.

Anchor [contemplating whether good still exists in the universe]: Get you to do it for you? Not "Don't do it."

Corey: Nah. Get me to do it for you. Best party ever, so far. That's what everyone's been saying, so…

Anchor [internally weeping for the future]: Well, we've got to go, but I sincerely suggest that you go away and take a good, long, hard look at yourself.

Corey: I have. Everyone has. They love it.

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