I Want to Be a Scientologist!

Radar Online got a hold of the Church of Scientology's "SEC WHOLE TRACK" questionnaire, which is a list of 343 questions developed by founder L. Ron Hubbard for use during 'auditing' sessions; new recruits are "hooked up to an E-meter—a crude, polygraph-like contraption—as a Church-sanctioned auditor records the subject's responses for further expensive inquiry."


Radar posted the best of the questions, and since, as you know, I am very interested in uncovering my trapped thetans, I thought I'd go ahead and take the truncated questionnaire, and let you judge whether I need to be sent to Scientology camp tout de suite!

Off we go...

Have you ever enslaved a population?

You mean, aside from enslaving the Shakers to my irresistable awesomeness...?

Have you ever debased a nation's currency?

I made fun of the Ronpaulbux of Ronpaulistan once.

Have you ever killed the wrong person?

Definitely not. I only kill the right people.

Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?

No, but I know someone who's just begging for it.

Have you ever been a professional critic?

Everyone's a critic.

Have you ever wiped out a family?

No, although I have had my eye on the Duggars for awhile now.

Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?

No, but I do give love a bad name (bad name).

Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?

I believe I have.

Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?

No, although I did vaporize Planet Limpwrist.

Have you ever made love to a dead body?

I have never been married to Larry King.

Have you ever engaged in piracy?

Indeed I have.

Have you ever been a pimp?

No, I hear it's hard out there for a pimp.

Have you ever eaten a human body?

I've gobbled cock; does that count?

Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?

You tell me.

Have you ever exterminated a species?

Yes, I am personally responsible for the obliteration of the douchebug.

Have you ever been a professional executioner?

I wish!

Have you given robots a bad name?


Have you ever set a booby trap?

Sure. That's how I ended up with Mr. Shakes.

Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?

You know, it suddenly occurs to me that these questions are kinda weird.

Have you driven anyone insane?

Only everyone I know.

Is anybody looking for you?

Some creepy little perv who answers to "Randyson."

Have you ever set a poor example?


Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?

I never use my powers for evil.

Are you in hiding?

No, always seeking.

Have you systematically set up mysteries?

The answer to that question is to be found in the old lighthouse beyond the field of thistle, just as the light falls across the sailor stone.

Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?


Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?

Let me think about this and I'll get back to you.

Have you ever gone crazy?

Yes, I've gone crazy—crazy for thinkin' that my love could hold you, crazy for tryin' and crazy for cryin', crazy for lovin' you.

Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?

Uh...see previous answer.

Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?

No, I always obey orders from headquarters.

Have you ever smothered a baby?

Yes, but only because this crazy American doctor kept insisting that I keep my chicken quiet or we'd all be killed.

Do you deserve to have any friends?

Absolutely not.

Have you ever castrated anyone?

Obviously, or I never would have gotten my Humorless Feminist membership card.

Do you deserve to be enslaved?

Only to love, because the storm is breaking or so it seems, and we're too young to reason, too grown up to dream.

Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?

No chance. They're all spectacular.

Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?

Only every time I've dropped acid.

Have you ever zapped anyone?

Yeah, this one time, I was working on a science experiment for school, and I accidentally discovered the formula for telekinesis. Then me and my friend Willie Aames went around and Zapped! all kinds of crazy shit! I even Zapped! girls' shirts off and saw their boobies—ha ha!

Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease?

Yes, I am ashamed to admit I had cooties.

If so, did you spread it?

Spreading it is how I got them in the first place!

Rim shot! Thank you, I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your waiters!

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