Canned Goods Are Always a Good Investment

by the Frugal Fag

I've always been a little afraid that I'll live to see the complete collapse of the U.S. economy—and I'm not talking about another Great Depression. I'm talking about anarchy of Mad Max proportions, but without the Thunderdome or Tina Turner's no-nonsense leadership style to maintain a minimal sense of law and order. I'm talking about grown men and old ladies wrestling to the death over the last generator at Home Depot while looters strip every Target and Wal-Mart shelf bare. I attribute most of this paranoia to a powerful film I saw as a child. It was a story that spoke to a generation—a tale that demonstrated how evil, when left unchecked, can multiply and fester and reduce an otherwise civilized species to its most base instincts.

That timeless masterpiece was Gremlins 2, and there is one scene that stands out clearly in my mind whenever people discuss pending economic disasters. In the scene, gremlins are beginning to take over the Clamp building and it's apparent that humanity is totally screwed. Several gremlins are shown sitting around a stock-broker's office yelling, "Buy! Sell! Sell! Buy!" into telephones. As the camera pans over to the smart gremlin (the one who injected himself with some mysterious I.Q.-enhancing serum), he says, "We're advising our clients to put all they can into canned foods and shotguns."

Although a gremlin-initiated apocalypse is unlikely, buying up non-perishable groceries at bargain prices can be a great way to protect yourself in the event of a financial hiccup. A small stockpile of toothpaste, a few boxes of Uncle Ben's, and a cabinet full of soup and Chef Boyardee can be a big help if you find yourself unexpectedly unemployed. And, if you're like me, a well-stocked pantry can provide peace of mind the next time you start to panic about the repercussions of an Iranian-funded nuclear attack that leads to soccer-mom knife fights over who gets to pay $500 for the last gallon of gas at their local BP station.

The moral of this post is that if you find a good price on some consumable product today and you know you'll use it eventually, buy it today. At the very least, it'll prevent you from spending the money on something stupid and you'll save 2 or 3% as inflation continues to increase the price of everything. And who knows—those 500 rolls of Charmin could become your new 401K plan when times get tough and your neighbors are ready to trade their diamonds for the luxury of a civilized poop.

(This isn't the Gremlins 2 clip I was referring to earlier. I just think it's funny that someone took the time to edit this Beyoncé song into the clip.)

[For more wit and wisdom from the cheapest gay man in America, visit]

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