Shakespeare’s Sister Theater Presents…

Episode 59: “The Jailbird Always Sings Twice”
Story and Graphics by: Shakespeare’s Sister

When last we left our fearless Superbloggers, they had just managed to narrowly escape Mark “maf54” Foley’s Chat Room of Doom through the cunning use of explosive snark.

“Thank Zeus you came up with that terrible pun about turning the page,” said The Pink Petulance. “Otherwise we might never have busted out of that thing.”

“No kidding,” agreed Dr. Zero. “By the way, did you notice how Foley’s series of tubes were totally clogged with porn?”

“What am I—blind?!” exclaimed The Pink Petulance. “It’s a wonder he isn’t, the dirty wanker.”

Just as the superbloggers arrived at the Fortress of Snarkitude, the Spudphone started to ring.

“Could you be a dear?” said Dr. Zero. “I’m making us drinkies.”

The Pink Petulance grabbed the phone. “Who is it and what the hell do you want?”

“For Clenis’ sake! What kind of way is that to answer the phone, Pink Petulance?”

Yes, it was SuperKos, calling our Superblogger heroes to give them their Superblogger orders, which they would follow without question, as all Superbloggers do.

“Shut it, SuperKos,” snapped The Pink Petulance. “My ass has been stuck in Foley’s Chat Room of Doom all day; I don’t need any shit right now. What’s the score?”

”I’m afraid there’s serious trouble in Beltropolis,” SuperKos said. “I’d take care of it myself, but with the election coming up—“

“Just give me the lowdown,” barked The Pink Petulance. Dr. Zero arrived with drinks. “Wait, hold on—I’m putting you on superspeaker… Okay, go.”

“The Googler has stolen the flag!” exclaimed SuperKos.

“The Googler has stolen the fag?” asked Dr. Zero. He and The Pink Petulance looked at each other curiously.

“No, not the fag, you idiots! The flag!” yelled SuperKos. “God, I hate superspeaker! Anyway, The Googler has stolen the flag and is using it to wreak all kinds of havoc all over the country. From village to dell, he’s terrorizing the people and making them bow to his bidding. It’s our worst nightmare!”

“We’re on it,” said Dr. Zero. “To the Spudmobile!”

* * *

As the Superbloggers approached The Googler’s lair at the center of Beltropolis, they realized it was even worse than they had feared. Standing outside Internets Mansion were The Googler’s evil henchmen, Darth Cheney and Heinous Hastert the Tyrannosaurus of Turpitude. From nearly a mile away, the Superbloggers could hear Darth Cheney’s guttural howling: “Goooo fuck yourself!” It sent chills up their spines.

“We’re gonna need backup,” said Dr. Zero.

“Give me the communicator,” said The Pink Petulance. “I know just who to call.”

While The Pink Petulance put out the call to their Superblogger ally, Dr. Zero parked the Spudmobile. They had barely had time to finish the delicious tuna sandwiches The Pink Petulance had packed for them before help had arrived. “Look!” cried Dr. Zero. “It’s Captain Waveflux!”

”It is I—Captain Waveflux!” said the newly arrived Superblogger. “Whuzzup?”

“The Googler has stolen the flag,” said The Pink Petulance. “He’s using it to take control of the whole country!”

“According to our sources, he’s hiding out in his lair right now,” added Dr. Zero. “But Darth Cheney and Heinous Hastert are standing guard. We’ve taken on some evil beasts in our day, but the two of us against that dastardly duo…?”

“You were wise to call,” said Captain Waveflux. “Let’s roll.”

The trio of Superbloggers made their way to the front gate of Internets Mansion. “Goooo fuck yourself!” shouted Darth Cheney. He aimed a rifle at them.

Captain Waveflux shot an Anti-Belligerence Bolt at him, stunning him. At that moment, Heinous Hastert came lumbering toward them. “You two finish off Darth Cheney,” said The Pink Petulance. “I’ve got a score to settle with the scaly pot of shit over there.”

Dr. Zero shot Darth Cheney with the Integrity Ray. “You got it!” he said. “I think we’ve got this under control.”

While Captain Waveflux and Dr. Zero dispatched with Darth Cheney, The Pink Petulance strutted toward Heinous Hastert. “So we meet again,” snarled Heinous Hastert.

“Yeah. Last time I saw that ugly mug of yours, you were devouring my grandma, if I recall correctly,” said The Pink Petulance.

“You’re damn tootin’!” cackled Heinous Hastart. “And she was delicious.”

The Pink Petulance reached into her backpack and drew out her secret weapon. “Take this, Hastert!” she cried.

Sweatin’ to the Oldies?!” Heinous Hastert yowled. “Noooooooooooo!” He quivered and backed away, trying vainly to reach his small arms far enough to cover his eyes.

“By the power of Richard Simmons, I condemn you!” yelled The Pink Petulance.

And with that, Heinous Hastert exploded and was no more.

The three Superbloggers regrouped to formulate a plan to take on The Googler. But then—out of nowhere—he appeared before them. “The Googler!" Dr. Zero cried.

“Yeah, heh heh. That’s right,” said The Googler. “That’s me. Heh heh. I’m—”

“Damn you, Googler!” shouted The Pink Petulance.

“Lemme finish,” said The Googler.

“You won’t get away with your evil plan, Googler!” said Captain Waveflux.

“Lemme finish,” said The Googler. “Interrupt me once, shame on you. Interrupt me twice…interrupted…can’t get interrupted again.”

“What the fuck are you babbling about?” asked The Pink Petulance.

“It’s an old saying we got in Texas,” said The Googler. “Heh heh.”

“I really hate this guy,” muttered The Pink Petulance.

“Me, too,” said Dr. Zero.

“Me, too,” said Captain Waveflux.

“I gotta mandate!” said The Googler. “Stay the course. There’s a rumor on the internets, you know. Is our children learning? We’ve got to be able to put food on our families.”

The three Superbloggers looked at each other. “How did this guy become an arch villian?” Captain Waveflux asked. “He’s a moron.”

The Pink Petulance sighed exasperatedly. “Listen, Googler. Are you going to give up the flag nice and easy, or are we going to have to do this the hard way?”

“Being The Googler is hard work,” he replied.

“I’m over it,” Dr. Zero said impatiently. “Let’s get him.”

The Superbloggers rushed in, flinging everything they had at The Googler—Anti-Belligerence Bolts, the Integrity Ray, the Hypocrisy Beam, the Spritzing Clown Flower of Undeniable Logic. Each onslaught was met with The Googler’s infamous 9/11 Blocks of Impenetrable Terror. “We’re never going to get the flag away from this guy!” yelled The Pink Petulance, as The Googler wrapped himself ever more tightly in the Stars and Stripes.

“Hit him with the Investigatitron 3000!” said Captain Waveflux.

“9/11!” retorted The Googler.

“Get him with the Low Approval Laser!” said Dr. Zero.

“9/11!” retorted The Googler. The attacks slid off him like he was made of oil.

“I’ve got it!” shouted The Pink Petulance. “Let’s hit him with the Vote Shifter!”

The Superbloggers blasted The Googler with the Vote Shifter, hitting him in every direction. Its beam turned slowly but steadily from red to blue, searing into The Googler and rendering him weak. “It’s working!” said Dr. Zero.

The Googler collapsed to his knees. The flag was almost in reach—

Suddenly, Dieboldo swept in out of nowhere and threw himself between the Vote Shifter and The Googler. “I am immune to your puny Vote Shifter!” said Dieboldo. “Mwah ha ha ha! Your powers are useless against me, Superbloggers!”

“Noooooooooooo!” shouted the Superbloggers in unison.

“Yes!” shouted Dieboldo. He danced in front of The Googler, shielding him from further damage. The Googler pulled himself together and hugged the flag to him.

“Fuck this noise!” exclaimed The Pink Petulance. “Get me the Impeacherator!”

Dr. Zero grabbed the Impeacherator out of his knapsack, and the Superbloggers took it in hand, aiming it squarely at The Googler. “Even you can’t stop the Impeacherator, Dieboldo!” snarled Dr. Zero.

“Uh, lemme finish,” said The Googler.

“Finish this!” shouted The Pink Petulance. Captain Waveflux flipped the on switch, and the Impeacherator buzzed to life, sending a think stream of Impeachment right through Dieboldo and into The Googler’s heartless chest. Dieboldo exploded in a shower of sparks, and The Googler writhed in agony. “Heh…heh,” he stuttered. “If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator. Heh…heh…hehhhhhhh.”

The Googler fell forward onto his codpiece. Thusly was the villainous flag-snatcher vanquished.

Dr. Zero grabbed the flag. “The flag is ours!” he cried triumphantly.

“Let’s return it to its rightful place,” suggested Captain Waveflux, “where all the citizens of Beltropolis can enjoy it.”

“Good idea,” said The Pink Petulance. “I always loved this flag.”

“You’re such a flag hag!” said Dr. Zero.

“Ho ho ho!” they laughed.

Tune in next time, true believers, when Dr. Zero and The Pink Petulance come face to face with KILLER CONDI!

(Previous adventures here and here.)

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