Episode 34: “Swing Me Deadly”
Story by: Paul the Spud
Graphics by: Shakespeare’s Sister
When we last left our fearless superbloggers, they had managed to narrowly escape a cunning trap set by Giant Bionic George Allen in the abandoned plastics factory, and were zooming back to their Fortress of Snarkitude.
“That was pretty quick thinking, sealing him in that block of clear Lucite,” said The Pink Petulance, lighting yet another smoke from the Spudmobile’s cigarette lighter.
“Ah yes, but deciding to leave him in the Ape House at Lincoln Park Zoo was a stroke of genius, my pajama-wearing chum,” Dr. Zero cackled, cutting through a puddle to spray a passing H2 with mud. “As was the ‘Fling Poo Here’ sign.”
Suddenly! The Spudphone! Yes, it was SuperKos, calling our superblogger heroes to give them their superblogger orders, which they would follow without question, as all superbloggers do.
“Dr. Zero! Pink Petulance! Trouble is afoot in the LGBT community!” exclaimed SuperKos. “And I’m afraid I can’t do anything about it, since the SuperKos Zapper and SuperKos Cruiser are both fueled by self-interest!”
“But—” started the Pink Petulance.
“Not now, Pink Petulance!” snapped SuperKos. “Flying Saucers from the Planet Limpwrist have been flying all over America, and they’re using some kind of lavender ray to turn gay men into walking stereotypes! Drag queens have taken over lower Manhattan! Chicago is simply choked with leather daddies! Hair salons can’t keep up with the job demands! And the shopping… dear lord, the shopping!” SuperKos broke down in sobs.
“And what about the lesbians?” Dr. Zero mused. “Are they being turned into giant, chainsaw-wielding lumberjacks? Are transgendered people suddenly sprouting new, bizarre forms of genitalia? Are bisexuals ceasing to exist?”
“No,” puzzled SuperKos, “Just gay men are affected. It’s as if everyone else is being ignored.”
Dr. Zero and the Pink Petulance quickly looked at each other. “The Sinister Stossor!” they cried. “Let’s roll!” said Zero, putting the Spudmobile into overdrive and setting a course for Planet Limpwrist.
“Good luck, Superbloggers!” saluted SuperKos. “I’m off to my undisclosed location!”
As they approached the pink, fluffy surface of Limpwrist, the Spudmobile’s communicator beeped. “A-hoy-hoy?” hailed Dr. Zero, toggling the switch.
“So, my arch-nemesis, The Pink Petulance… we meet again!” sneered The Sinister Stossor from the viewscreen, twitching his moustache. “And how’s your partner, that closet queen Dr. Zero?”
“Closeted?” muttered Dr. Zero, “What blog is this guy reading?”
“Out with it, Stossor—what’s your game?” demanded The Pink Petulance. “I know you have no shame, but this is low, even for you!”
“Why it’s very simple, my fuchsia fag hag!” he cackled, attempting to twirl his moustache and only succeeding in sticking his finger up his left nostril. “By forcing the gay men of the world to conform to my narrow idea of stereotypes, they will no longer be tolerated by Mister and Miss Average Joe! As we speak, my partners in crime, TweedleFalwell and TweedleRobertson are massing the citizenry against these nancy boys, and will bully legislation to get them kicked off the planet! Then they will have no choice but to come to Planet Limpwrist, where they will remain… forever!” He burst out into maniacal laughter, spraying the viewscreen with partially-chewed Funyuns.
“Uh, you want all of the gay men in the world to come live with you?” boggled Dr. Zero. “This is just an overblown plan to get laid, isn’t it?”
“Stossor out!” blurted the villain, quickly cutting the communication.
“Man, I’d say that guy really needs to get laid, but that’s obviously the plan anyway,” said Dr. Zero.
“And I am not fuchsia!” grumbled the Pink Petulance.
“Well,” Dr. Zero mused, “We could zap him with the Integrity Ray… or for a little light entertainment, we could hit him with the Hypocrisy Beam and watch him implode,” He clicked around on the Spudmobile keyboard. “Or I could just post these pictures of him in a Greenwich Village leather bar that I just found.”
“Or we could just blow the fuck out of that planet,” grumbled the Pink Petulance. “I’m out of smokes, and this guy is boring me.”
“You’re the boss!” Dr. Zero said cheerfully, hitting the Big Red Button ™ and dropping the Depth Charge of Dignity onto the surface of the planet, hitting Stossor’s Fortress of Denial smack dab in the center.
“Noo! My plans! My narrow-minded, stereotypical plans!” shrieked the Evil One as he vaporized, leaving nothing behind but a leather cap.
“Our work here is done,” said the Pink Petulance. “Now let’s get back to Earth; I want to get some photos of several Republicans running around in drag before that beam wears off.” And with that, a blast of the Spudmobile’s engines, and Morrissey blaring on the stereo, the Superblogger Duo zoomed back to earth, and the Billy Goat tavern for burgers.
Tune in next time, true believers, when Dr. Zero and the Pink Petulance meet ZOMBIE RUMSFELD!
(Previous adventure here.)