hairy snark

No lifejackets needed here, this post is all about the shallow. But funny! From Radar, we get: Capitol Domes, a post about congressional hairstyles.

November is election time. And with at least 15 Republican seats up for grabs, it will no doubt be a wonderful season filled with irrepressible hypocrisy and spirited rivalries. Slurs will be hurled. Accusations slurred. No longer content merely to kiss babies, candidates will actually deep-throat their heads.

In the end, however, the pivotal decisions Americans face may all come down to hair. "It's one of the first things voters notice," says political image consultant Sherry Maysonave, president of Austin, Texas-based Empowerment Enterprises, who has masterminded the appearance of congressional and presidential candidates from both parties. "Hair is a strong indicator of a candidate's position and politics. If it's distracting in any way, it can seriously reduce the power of the message." To avoid such dips in rhetorical potency, Maysonave eradicates frizz ("perceived as instability"), stamps out comb-overs ("not trustable"), and tries her best to wean male Conservatives, a group only slightly less conformist than teenage girls, of their dependence on poorly-parted helmet hair. "An overly low side-part," she warns, "can make you look as if you're not even living in this decade."

A few examples:

Trend One


Though all three deny it, these congressmen are clearly perpetrating the ultimate hair lie: the not-even-slightly-plausible toupee.

Senators Trent Lott, Byron Dorgan, and Rep. John Mica are on the chopping block for that one.

Trend Three


Also known as "hospital bed-head," this rumpled, erratic style is trendy among our elder statesmen. Why comb and primp, it says, when one's status as a respected, nearly-dead person allows one to simply unravel? On Rep. Hastert, a former high school wrestling coach who famously suggested that post-Katrina New Orleans be "bulldozed over" as an elegant alternative to pricey rebuilding, the look is choppy and insouciant, as if several hairy Post-It notes have been slapped onto his skull.

Sensenbrenner and Carl Levin are the other two mentioned in this category.

Trend Four


Feeney, 48, a close ally of the religious right who considers yoga a threat to our country and has been accused of commissioning an electronic voting computer program that could rig an election, faces a slightly different issue. His hair looks, well, pubic. As in seventh grade discussions of "secondary sexual characteristics" pubic. He's not necessarily doomed, however, to resemble an adolescent groin, says Maysonave: "He could do a few things to convey more experience. Add a little gray to his temples. Maybe wear some subtle, wire-framed glasses."

That's Rep. Tom Feeney with the pube hair. Reps. Jeb Hensarling and Adam Putnam are also in this one.

Trend Six


Rep. Chabot, proud owner of the Worst Comb-over in Congress, rabidly opposes abortion in every corner of our nation except on his own head, where he's clearly failed to carry his hair to term.

Besides Chabot, Sen. Ron Wyden and Rep. David Price get the mange.

Check 'em all out, there are eight categories in all.

(hat tip to Becky, one of the well-coiffed folks at preemptive karma)

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