GWB explains it all

(SCENE- A very special White House press conference.)
BUSH: Afternoon, folks. (Nearly every hand in the room shoots up, reporters calling out “Mr. President!”) Now, now, everybody just needs to calm down here, I’d, I’d like to say my piece before we get to any questions. We all know how you folks love your questions. Heh. Anyway… Well, you’ve all heard about our plan, our attempt to help out the people of this great nation, the people who need some help because there are other places in this world that don’t believe in freedom, and we need to help them with their, their lack of belief, so that means that some people, they have to get a some of a hard time, and, well, we want to help them. Because we, because I care about people, we’re thinking about sending something back to them, while they wait for their sons and daughters to, to ride that freedom train back home over the ocean, we thought we could send them a hundred dollars- a hundred dollars- to help smooth things out. We all need a good smoothing, now and then. (Bush gets a pained expression.) But it seems like a lot, that a lot of the people out there, these brave Americans, that they aren’t understanding what we’re trying to do here. They say we’re treating them like, like- well, it’s not a not a nice word, but I’ll say it, like a female escort or a, a prostitute. Yeah. I don’t get that, folks. So I sat down, and instead of reading the paper while I did my business, I thought long and hard, and I thought, I thought- maybe people just don’t get what that means, they don’t know what a lady of the night really is? A God-fearing person, well, he or she might not have any need to know such a thing. So I thought what I would do, I would take this opportunity to clarify things. Because me, that’s a big part of my job, I’m a clarifier.
Tammy, could you come out here? (Enter Tammy, a low-rent prostitute.)Tammy, here- Tammy, say hi to everybody.
BUSH: Now Tammy, she is what you would call a real and actual “lady of the night.” She works at this nice place downtown, and I thought she could help me clarify the difference of what we’re talking about.
TAMMY: Sure.
BUSH: Tammy, you and I have never met before, is that right?
TAMMY: Nossir.
BUSH: Not like some other former folks I could mention, am I right. (Tammy shrugs.) Now, now what is it you do for a living?
TAMMY: Yeah, y’know. I provide a service for a fee.
BUSH: You mean-
TAMMY: I let people screw me for money.
BUSH: Yup, uh-huh.
TAMMY: It’s a hunnred an hour. Didn’t use to be, but I live about twenty minutes out of the city, and with gas prices what they are…
BUSH: Oh, it’s tough all over on that, I hear you.
TAMMY: I used to live down south, but after the hurricane hit, there wasn’t a whole lotta money goin around, and I got this kid to raise, I didn’t really want her but, y’know, not like I could do anything where I was living, so I moved up here, and man, there’s a lot more business around here but-
BUSH: Um, good, okay, I think that about covers everything-
TAMMY: But they stuff they want you to do, it’s just frickin’ insane, I had a guy in and I’m still getting rid of the urine smell, and then I see him all over the news-
BUSH: Jerry, Tom, could you please-? (He gestures to two Secret Service agents, who drag Tammy out of the room.) Well, that- obviously, she’s an American, a bright woman with a lot of things to say, and I hope she was able to clear some things up. With this money, these checks we’re sending out- just think of all the things that money can buy. Heck, I wish I could get a check like that myself. And nobody’s getting turned into a, a woman like Tammy. C’mon, folks. Tammy, she gets paid to open her legs and let a stranger do whatever they want to her. That’s darned un-American. Nothing like that going on here. Just guys like me helping y’all out of a jam. And I’ll hope you remember that, come November.

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