Children of the night, what music they make...

Been suffering from insomnia lately? Do you lie awake at night, tossing and turning, wishing that it was somehow possible for a former “Seinfeld” star to ease you into Slumberland on the soothing sounds of a Commodores classic?

Well, wish no more friends: Unexpected Dreams is here. From the press release:

The CD features 14 spellbinding tunes by composers including Elton John, Billy Joel, Sade, Bob Dylan and Lennon/McCartney, beautifully sung and lushly orchestrated. A portion of the proceeds will benefit “Music Matters,” the Los Angeles Philharmonic’s music education programs.

Unexpected Dreams: Songs from the Stars includes the following tracks:

Scarlett Johansson – “Summertime” (George & Ira Gershwin)
Ewan McGregor – “The Sweetest Gift” (Sade)
Taraji P. Henson – “In My Daughter’s Eyes” (James T. Slater)
Jennifer Garner – “My Heart Is So Full of You” (Frank Loesser)
Jeremy Irons – “To Make You Feel My Love” (Bob Dylan)
John Stamos – “Goodnight My Angel” (Billy Joel)
Lucy Lawless – “Little Child” (Eric Vetro/Alan Rich)
Marissa Jaret Winokur – “The Wish Song” (Eric Vetro/Steven Shore)
Eric McCormack – “The Greatest Discovery” (Elton John/Bernie Taupin)
Victor Garber – “No One Is Alone” (Stephen Sondheim)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus – “The Nightshift” (Brad Hall)
Nia Vardalos – “Golden Slumbers” (John Lennon/Paul McCartney)
John C. Reilly – “Lullaby In Ragtime” (Sylvia Fine)
Teri Hatcher – “Goodnight” (John Lennon/Paul McCartney)

Y’know, I have long pined for Scarlett Johansson to become a part of my evening routine, but this is definitely not the angle I was hoping for. Past the initial snickering, I have no idea as to the quality of this disc, although the five user reviews on Amazon are unflaggingly positive. My favorite out-of-context moment, from Rick “Music Lover”:

My favorite unexpected singers are Scarlett Johansen, Lucy Lawless and Teri Hatcher. All very tender. You go, girls!

Mmmm. Tender.

The money goes to a good cause, the music’s not too painful- makes one long for the kitsch of years past, like George Martin’s horrific album of celebrity Beatles covers, where at least you could cringe and laugh. This mostly just earns a polite shrug. Too lame to love, but not quite lame enough to torture your friends with.

Still, the thought of Eric McCormack and “The Greatest Discovery” in the same room makes the ole gorge rise. Hopefully this will find its way online soon, as I simply must hear how Jeremy Irons does Bob Dylan. (See, this is exactly what should’ve been playing over the credits on the Lolita remake.)