Actual Headlines

Actual Headline #1: Michael Jackson visits Tokyo orphanage. Okay, there’s nothing obvious or ironic about that headline. It just made me feel a bit nauseous. Although, I guess a country that sells the used panties of schoolgirls in vending machines and Michael Jackson are a perfect match.

(I’m just kidding—I love you Japan! But keep Michael away from your orphans. No, seriously.)

Actual Headline #2: AP Poll: Survey finds a nation in a hurry. Yeah, the AP did a poll to find out that Americans are “impatient,” “demanding,” and “want it all NOW.” What a fucking shocker. Wait for their next mind-blowing survey when they discover that Americans have short attention sp— Hey look! Something shiny!

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